Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Vegan / Vegetarian lessons.

Weighed in last Wednesday night at .6 lbs less than two weeks prior. I had a big UP from heading to the Bay Area for a big event. I was enlightened there too.

Did you know that Vegan or Vegetarian food can be JUST as fattening - if not more so - than "regular" food? Well, let me tell you... IT IS! I ate less than most people there, I ran around the mansion like a crazed woman, I worked and worked and worked. I skipped the group hike and hung out at the mansion and ran up and down stairs, cleaned the kitchen MANY times and basically ended up pretty sore at the end of the weekend. At no point was I ever "stuffed," though I will admit there was some dessert enjoyed. I gained 6 pounds in a weekend!!!

Well it's all gone plus .6 as of last weigh-in so that's behind me, but I couldn't bring myself to go to the meeting between the gain and the week it took to get it off plus .6 Argh.

Success is actually quick, but I slowed myself down with that weekend away. Which brings me to the next challenge: High School Reunion!

That's right, we're heading up to the San Francisco Bay Area once again this coming weekend. There will be food, fun, dancing and socializing.

There will also be a nice visit with a life-long friend who will just happen to be in town at the same time so we'll be doing something together. I suggested a walk around Lake Elizabeth in Fremont's "Central Park" but breakfast was mentioned too, so maybe we will do both.

Either way, there will be 10 to 12 hour spent in a vehicle and that's a lot of sitting on one's butt happening! Why don't hotel rooms have DVD players??? I could bring my workout DVDs with me and get a few 10 min butt kickin' workouts done and over. That's not a bad idea...either I bring my own player or memorize the moves and do it myself...Could be fun walking around the town I did most of my growing up in too! So I've got plans on how to avoid the weekend up swing, including drinking 12-16 8 ounce glasses of water! Prepare for many roadside stops husband of mine. :) It's the only way!

I weigh in again tomorrow night, and will report more promptly and add more to what's happening and such then.

Have a great week!

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Epiphanys and remembering the journey

It's been a long time since I've written anything here. I went a little numb and refused to face the facts I've learned along the way. In the process, I've put on 40 pounds. (I was thinking it was 50, did the math 4 times to be sure...so I'm suddenly not as sad as I was a few moments ago! Silly silly silly. But see, I can deal with that a lot better and already I'm more encouraged to do things about it.

I've struggled with blogging, and found that twice I've tried to blog about being stuck and what I've learned, and didn't finish them...there they sit in my "draft posts" waiting for attention. This is yet another attempt, and so far, it's taken me 3 days to get this far.

What have I learned in these months of silence and numbness, you ask? Well, let me tell you!

1) Goals are not what we're taught they are. Goals are the target we shoot for, and they are flexible and maliable. The beauty of a Goal is that is gets you pointed in the right direction, BUT if you make them too rigid, you may be setting yourself up for failure. Think about your past goals, the ones you didn't quite make...how did you feel about missing that boat? How many did you push out a bit to give you room to still attain the goal and how many got left behind, given up on and forgotten?

2) I am an addict. I knew this one, but had to relearn it, again. I will always need to go to my weight watchers meetings and I will always need to track what I eat. I will always need to use the tools for living as they have proven, time and time again, that when I use them, they WORK. I believe that is the main reason I chose this plan, once I do reach my goal weight I am a lifetime member. Free support as long as I maintain, that's pretty darned awesome.

3) The title of my blog was my biggest epiphany of late: JOURNEY to the thinner me. I keep setting the wrong kind of goals and forgetting that this is a JOURNEY. Hence, I'll be doing this for a while. Most likely, the rest of my life. I will stop pressuring myself and get back to enjoying the journey. :)

4) I feel like CARP when I eat the stuff I like to stuff into my face when I'm not making healthy choices. Physically - I feel horrible, emotionally - well, that's the worst, the downward spiral of addiction is right in there, mentally - how can I be mentally prepared for anything while in the throes of addiction??? Pains, strains and lack of mobility all come together to make me one very unhappy person.

5) I have to put MY HEALTH before everything else. EVERYTHING. That goes for: the stress of daily living, choosing to enjoy that chocolate cheesecake because it tastes so darned good NOW, taking on too much or doing too much when what I really need to do is rest.

6) And this one was a BIG reminder this past weekend: I need to FEEL my feelings. I am an emotional creature. Always have been. I have to FEEL my way through life in order to find my way. I keep trying to keep that part of me under wraps to maintain a socially acceptable version of me that I've somehow managed to create in all it's distorted vision. I laugh loud and hardy, I cry and am moved to tears by any deeply felt emotion, even laughter! I'm a BIG personality and I'm coming to grips with that and realizing that it's OK to be ME and all that that entails. Funny thing happens when I feel my feelings: I can see clearly to solutions, I can move beyond them and into logic (sort of) and the best part? I am free of all that bottled up guck that keeps me from being true to who I am, turning me into some stoic version of who I think I SHOULD be. I'm learning lately, that all the bad things I think of me are not held by others. I am always surprised at how highly others think of me, being a victim of my own version of "if you really knew me..." I'm sure many of you know how that game is played.

So I had a REALLY good cry this weekend. (After attempting to blog and trying other distractions.) I let it all hang out. Mostly because, everytime I tried to put it back where I stuff it away, it would leak out again. I had been holding it in to the point I had no choice but to deal with it all or go bonkers.

Afterwards, I found it so easy to stay on plan, to exercise, to BE with my husband and share my thoughts and feelings. I remembered who I am, and I realized that I am ok right here, right now.

And you know what happened? I lost 4 lbs in one day. One day. I know, it won't always be that way, but it was a clear signal to me that I am doing the right thing again. I'm taking care of me. As long as I do that, I can do anything!

Thanks for reading!
See you next week.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

April Fools and Showers

April Fool's day was weigh in day and I am down 5 lbs. That's 9 pounds since getting back on the bus three weeks ago and doing the right things to get myself into health.

Yay! Feels good to be back in control, while around me, life tosses challenge after challenge. I can deal with what life tosses me, sometimes eat too much because of it, but generally, if I do HEALTHY things to deal with stress, I come out ahead. What a concept!

I'm still up from my lowest weight, but that's ok, I'm focused on reaching my goal of 155 lbs by my birthday this year. That's July 1, 2009 and that gives me 3 full months to lose the weight. 34 lbs to go and at 10 lbs a month I think I can get there, especially if I increase my activity going into Spring and Summer.

I'll be heading up to San Francisco on the 15th of April to visit with my son who's in art school up there, and there will be LOTS of walking. I've made arrangements for a refrigerator and a microwave in my room so I can have store bought food and avoid too many restaurant visits while I'm there. I've found some great walking tours to take and I think a walk across the Golden Gate will be in order. I've not done that in a VERY long time, don't think I've been in good enough shape to do that for a VERY long time, so it will be fun and maybe I'll toss a flower in the water in remembrance of my mother, who's ashes were scattered in the ocean just outside the Golden Gate. (I wonder if that's legal?...guess I'll find out when I am there.) Basically, what I am saying is I have a plan in place to keep me sensible while I am there, and of course a little room for enjoying some of the things that are San Francisco: Sour Dough Bread! Ghirardelli Chocolate! Crab! Is there any other food San Francisco is known for? Eh, not important, those are the ones I care about. :)

And then, there shall be bike riding, and LOTS of it! That is because I am retiring my 1983 Toyota Cressida, bless her chassis, and will be car-less for a while. So it's bus and walks or riding the bike for a bit. On rainy days, I'll drive the jeep or ride the bus. The state will give me $1000.00 for retiring the beast and that's what I paid for her, so I'm grateful to have put in some money to have her driveable for 3 1/2 years and turn her in for what I paid. Not a bad deal at all. My next car will be a new or at least a newer Toyota I think. They've certainly proved their worth to me! 1983??? She was quite a looker in her day, sun roof, electric windows and doors, full on climate control, large trunk, 6 cylinder kick ass engine with 5 speed manual transmission. Alas, her engine is failing and her smog controls work no more. The state will pay me to take her off the road, and I've sent in my application today...so it's just a matter of time. I have to admit, I'll miss driving that little car, she had some get up and go and it was fun to surprise people with that. :D

Have a great week!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Time Marches on...

And I'm not doing what I need to be doing. :( And if I don't get on the wagon NOW, I won't make it to my birthday deadline yet AGAIN.

I can't believe I'm letting this happen. I am not powerless, I'm just being lazy and stupid...and passive-aggressive. And yet another thing learnt about ME, and shared with my wonderful Hubby. I realized I am worried that if I get to my goal weight while he's still a big man, I will find myself getting resentful and angry with him...kind of like the wait for our marriage. :/ I got a lil cranky after a while. :/

So, while I realize this is my demon to deal with, it's still something to talk with him about and share thoughts on and hopefully inspire him to do what he needs to do to get healthy too, and I'm NOT just talking about weight here...do internal work and fix the reasons you DON'T do what you need to do to take care of yourself...we're not spring chickens anymore, my Love. (He reads my posts by RSS feed so that's directly to him. *smooch*)

Now that this little demon is in my awareness, I've been able to really be back on track. Afterall, who was losing with that silly behavior? I've been doing a lot of research on passive-aggression and how to stop behaving that way...did you know that there isn't a whole lot of material on that subject? But there sure is a ton of it available for all you poor souls out there that have to deal with us. (sorry!) I have found a few good websites with some little blurbs on how to begin...maybe that will be my next blog...or something this one will morph into. Afterall, it's still part of my journey. :D

I weighed in last night (March 18, 2009) at 195.4 which is a 2.6 pound loss for the week. I didn't do much and really wasn't ON program until yesterday, but I've been 'getting there' so-to-speak. As of yesterday, I am there. I rode my bike to work and to the weigh-in...I didn't stay for the meeting though, it was a BEAUTIFUL evening and so I took the long ride home. (7 miles) and enjoyed moving rather than sitting more. :D I rode my bike in to work again today and will take the long way home tonight again. And I'll do that all over again tomorrow, but I am hoping to get an earlier start so that I can ride in to work and enjoy that view of the beach.

Thank you to my anonymous posters, one being my sister, for reminding me to be kind to myself as I trek along. Setbacks are a part of everything in life and so being reminded to be kind to self is always a good thing. Remember to be kind to YOURSELF today. Smile, think of things for which you are grateful.

I'm grateful that I've paid attention to my clothes this time. I will not shop for clothes again until the ones I have are fitting comfortably or hanging off my body. :D

Have a great week!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Figuring it out...one day at a time.

I'm back on the plan, and even rode my bike a couple times this past week.

Tracking everything I eat and making sure I get the 8 healthy guidelines in each day...well at least 6 of them usually. :)

And so far...I'm down 10 pounds according to my home scale...of course I was up a bit and not going to meetings to weigh-in. :(

So, that's the next step to getting back on plan: show up for meetings. And starting next week, I will be there. :D Seriously...I should go tonight, but I need to show up with a loss after being gone for so long...for my own emotional health...yeah yeah, wimpy, I know. But I know how I am and to keep this ball rolling, I need to show a loss. Silly me. Plus, I made plans for this evening forgetting that I had weigh-in tonight. Turns out I couldn't go anyway. I hurt my back while sitting in my chair at work and ended up going home early and laying down for the night.

Anyhaoooo, I've figured out a few more things this past week. One of them so obvious to me, it's kind of funny that I have to "discover" it again. In telling myself "I am FAT" everyday a few times a day, I behaved like the fat person I used to be. Stuffing my face with whatever and not really even enjoying it, some of it was downright NOT WORTH the calories either, tasteless C R A P if you really must know. I've rewritten that tape loop once again to something more in the direction I am heading, "All I eat turns to health and beauty"...kind of hard to choose that 16 point Reese's Peanut butter bar when I KNOW that's not going to turn to health OR beauty! :D

I'm still hurting a bit from the back pain, and comfort foods are calling my name, so I'm having to work with that a bit, still a bit of a struggle from time to time, but I'm definitely back on track and the best thing is, I'm still learning new stuff!!

Have a great week.

Friday, January 30, 2009


So I've really hit the wall. BIG TIME. However, I'm still not giving up.
I was outta control these past few weeks, completely and utterly, and it was all emotional eating. Sometimes disguised as boredom eating or even stress eating, but generally it has been emotional.

Why? Well, that took some soul searching to figure out...but the result was: I felt and still feel powerless in so many aspects of my life right now. The only thing I really felt I had any power over was what I stuffed into my face...and so, of course, I was choosing to shovel things I haven't and the new me wouldn't...just to "show them" I can do whatever I want.

How ridiculous is that?

Of course I can, pretty much, do whatever I want! Why the heck am I choosing something that's hurting me??? That's when the gong sounded in my head. "Stop Hurting Me!"
Seems, whenever I feel hurt or powerless, the first thing I do is internalize it and mask the pain by hurting myself in some other way. Of course, this is disguised as something that indicates I have power over something again and the paradox continues, until I hear the gong.

So it rang loud and clear...I wallowed in the powerlessness of it all for a few more days and then I went shopping at the grocery store and started working the program again. First order of business, PLAN AHEAD. So I bought Frozen Veggies, cans of soup and frozen meals, healthy foods to have at work to keep me on track.
I'm also working on staying on track when I get home at night, and the cold weather has made me lazy so we're going for bicycle rides this weekend and hopping back on for riding to work and back next week.

I'm only 32 pounds away from goal...all the mental stuff that goes with that is just overwhelming sometimes.

But there has been a paradigm shift for me through all of this...and I may be repeating myself...but I look in the mirror now and I see a woman who's still fat...not some hottie who's lost 120 pounds and is full of her new found sexiness. LOL! And I'm noticing my clothes don't fit so well, some not at all. :*( And yet, I'm still not actually MOTIVATED to fix the problem!

What I've decided is this: I'm taking a break from the plan. Not a full on, return to my terrible eating habits, dump all the great progress I've made and get out the fat pants kind of break. This a break from beating myself up for not being at my goal already. I've come to realize that I need a physical: to allow my body to adjust to the new "set point" of my current weight so that I can shake it up again in a month. Mental: to regroup and find my motivation to continue on the plan and work through the tools for living and understand this powerlessness and the eating it triggers. Emotional: To allow myself some time to grieve a loss in the family and come to terms with the feelings of failure that have crept in, in spite of all the progress. Spiritual: to get back in tune with the essence of why I'm doing all of this.

I've come a long way, I've got a way to go, but I'm definitely growing and getting better. My goal is to get to my final goal weight by my Birthday. A year later than I originally anticipated, but this is a journey...and one doesn't always reach one's destination as planned.

For now, I'll learn to maintain the loss I've accomplished so far, and prepare to jump back on the plan in March.

When I first started this Blog entry, over a week ago, I hadn't yet figured out that I am in fact, absolutely powerless. And I'm coming to terms with that and realizing that that is absolutely OK. I will never have complete power over anything in my life, that is just illusion. I have no control or power over life at all. I can only do what I can to express my nature and continue to steer myself in the direction I wish to go. Whatever life puts in front of me, I'll deal with. Appreciating every moment for whatever it brings...and always looking for the silver lining and growth that comes with the "hard" times.

My husband's brother-in-law died unexpectedly Sunday the first of February. Lance was a character and a good man. I'll miss him. His passing is what brought me to the realization that we can only do the best we can, we have no power, we have no control over what comes our way. We can work toward things and hope they come to fruition, but there are no guarantees, and one day, it can all be taken away from you. Better make the most of it while you're here. Share your love openly with the folks around you. Make up with friends and family you might not see eye to eye with or at least come to terms with the real reasons you choose to keep your distance. Get real with yourself and be real with the ones you love. You'll make the world a better place for your being here. Lance did. He made Guitars and loved his family. My sister-in-law and nieces and nephew are doing ok. I'm a wreck, but I am a deep feeler. I don't tip-toe into my emotions, I dive in and feel 'em fully and then move on. So, I'm feeling the loss in my own way...feeling broken hearted for the family Lance leaves behind and working my way through the idea that, from now on, Lance lives in our memories.

Call a loved one...do it right now... and have a great week.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Down 4.4...only 32 to go

Total to lose is 32, according to my Ticker...but according to the latest goals set at the WW meeting, I need to lose 5% of my New Year Weigh in, which was 183.5 I think...so my current goal is 9.2 pounds or so...that means current goal weight is: 174 pounds. I weighed in at 183.9 this week, so I'm actually UP from the beginning of the year by .4 or so.
Kinda sad, considering I was down to 168.8 not too very long ago...
But it's all a learning experience and this week has proven to be a new challenge in dealing with stress and emotion. Ahhh life. :D

Pluses for the week so far: I rode my bike to and from work Monday thru Thursday only driving on Friday. My WW week goes from Wed to Tuesday...so I've got 2 good days of exercise under my belt. It's Sunday, January 18th as I post this and we spent the day out on the motorcycle yesterday. Just explored the hills of Malibu and then up the coast. It was hard to believe we were in the middle of winter here. 86 degrees in Santa Barbara. Just a gorgeous sunny day. But I digress...I get some activity points for the motorcycle ride, though not as many as if I'd been the actual DRIVER of the bike.

Today I plan to work some and then get out on my bike for a bit. Have to go in to the office and see what is happening with the SD card I put in my pc so I could get some photos off of it for the front desk person to enter some data for me this coming work week. So I guess I'll be riding my bicycle to the office on a non workday...is a good thing...since I'll be driving in tomorrow, leaving early and then driving up to San Francisco tomorrow afternoon.

Which leads to the stress and emotion....

NEXT Monday, my 20 year old son begins Art school up in the city of San Francisco. I'm excited for him and also concerned, and dealing with the feelings that come with knowing he'll be pretty far away. I know it's not like he'll be in another state...but the times of texting, "hey let's have dinner together tonight" are going to be behind us for a while. The convenience of seeing him at the drop of a hat, walking on the beach or whatever...are going to be gone for awhile. There's positive in that though...HE'LL have to learn to plan ahead to make time for our visits.

He'll be up there in the big city in a mostly safe environment, and a part of me is also envious that he is off to enjoy that experience. I'm just a ball of twisted feelings at the moment...and I'm sure there will be tears as I drive away from San Francisco, leaving him behind to begin his big adventure. So I'm taking the husband and the dog with me. :D Someone else may need to do the driving for a little while. :D

I'm eating more as I try to deal with all the emotions flying by...so I'm moving more in hopes of counteracting most of the damage. Part of this whole trek of weight loss is learning how to manage my weight and learn to have other outlets besides STUFFING ONE'S FACE...and now's a good time for a long conversation with a close girlfriend.

HEY! I'll have some good girlfriend time next weekend so that will help A LOT! Of course it involves another drive up to the Bay Area so I'll have to find a way to get some exercise in too. Forecast says rain...so I better take my raincoat...haven't walked in the rain for a while...maybe I'll do that.

Agenda for the week ahead: Get work to the point I don't have to stress too much about it while up in San Francisco, Load up the son's belongings and head up to get him moved in to the dorm, Explore the area for job ideas and check out the dorm and such. Enjoy a nice dinner in the city somewhere, take him back to the dorm and head to my hotel, enjoy an evening with husband and dog, drive home Wednesday and enjoy the ride and the sites...I am taking vacation days for this so I might as well get some relaxation in there while I"m at it. If we get home in time, go to weigh in and take the hit. If we don't, then I'll have to hit a meeting Thursday. If I tell myself I'll skip it, that's asking for trouble. So I ain't going to skip it and I hope the walking around San Francisco Tuesday afternoon will help a bit. :D
Long car rides can be detrimental to weight loss. :(

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...and know that he's got the tools in his toolbox to get him through the rough stuff. That bird's gotta fly, and if I did my job right...he'll soar.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

My ride to work

This is my ride to work. I rode my bike in this morning. These pictures are from October I think...but the ride this morning was quite similar. Click on any of the pictures to get to the full stream on Flickr. Have a great day!

Posted by Picasa

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Thank goodness it's a New Year

I hope this post finds you all looking forward to the new year without too much trepidation. I'm excited to see what our new president will do when he finally has the power to make some changes. I hope you're all looking forward to making some changes of your own. As for me, I get to start over. My goodness the holidaze were hard. As you can see by my ticker above. :(

So, what did I learn from this experience...
  • I must always track what I'm eating, (even when I'm breaking the rules of the game - at least THEN I am aware of what I am doing and might stop sooner.)
  • This gain took over 2 months. That's 10 pounds a month, about the same rate I am losing weight...that's a HUGE success over prior losses/gains. In the past, gains have been more than double the speed of the losses. So I've made some positive changes here. (Like not wearing any stretchy pants - EVER!)
  • I have to, have to, have to stay hydrated to the max. The more water I drink, the less room I have for food. I'm less comfy in my non-stretchy pants and hunger isn't happening. (I have known for quite some time that thirst sometimes masks itself as hunger.)
  • I have to exercise. Haven't been on the bike for a while now. Gotta get some warm cozy bike riding gear so there aren't any more excuses.
I'm tracking, I'm drinking, I'm making better choices and back on track. It was fun to forget about the plan for a while and the other positive thing that's come of this is that I am finally over thinking I've made it. Let me explain:

I have lost so much weight, I see photographs of myself and I think, wow, I look pretty great these days. (Got a little full of myself and my new found Hotness. LOL) And while I KNEW I hadn't yet made my goal, my brain was pretty happy with where I was. Hence, I was STUCK.

This gain and has made me aware that I ain't there yet. :) I've got work to do and my brain has adjusted to seeing my body as it IS rather than as it should be...and that's a healthy adjustment.

I'm still stuffing myself into the clothes I started wearing back in November when I was at 168, so I'm spilling over and out at times, but I refuse ABSOLUTELY AND COMPLETELY to wear clothing up a size. I put me here, I need constant reminding that I need to head the other way.

This is how people at healthy weights do it, they wear their clothes and their clothes tell them when it's time to cut back or increase their intake a bit. I've spent a lifetime ignoring that...no more.

Say it with me now... NO STRETCHY PANTS!!!!

and Happy New Year everyone!