Sunday, August 2, 2009

Epiphanys and remembering the journey

It's been a long time since I've written anything here. I went a little numb and refused to face the facts I've learned along the way. In the process, I've put on 40 pounds. (I was thinking it was 50, did the math 4 times to be I'm suddenly not as sad as I was a few moments ago! Silly silly silly. But see, I can deal with that a lot better and already I'm more encouraged to do things about it.

I've struggled with blogging, and found that twice I've tried to blog about being stuck and what I've learned, and didn't finish them...there they sit in my "draft posts" waiting for attention. This is yet another attempt, and so far, it's taken me 3 days to get this far.

What have I learned in these months of silence and numbness, you ask? Well, let me tell you!

1) Goals are not what we're taught they are. Goals are the target we shoot for, and they are flexible and maliable. The beauty of a Goal is that is gets you pointed in the right direction, BUT if you make them too rigid, you may be setting yourself up for failure. Think about your past goals, the ones you didn't quite did you feel about missing that boat? How many did you push out a bit to give you room to still attain the goal and how many got left behind, given up on and forgotten?

2) I am an addict. I knew this one, but had to relearn it, again. I will always need to go to my weight watchers meetings and I will always need to track what I eat. I will always need to use the tools for living as they have proven, time and time again, that when I use them, they WORK. I believe that is the main reason I chose this plan, once I do reach my goal weight I am a lifetime member. Free support as long as I maintain, that's pretty darned awesome.

3) The title of my blog was my biggest epiphany of late: JOURNEY to the thinner me. I keep setting the wrong kind of goals and forgetting that this is a JOURNEY. Hence, I'll be doing this for a while. Most likely, the rest of my life. I will stop pressuring myself and get back to enjoying the journey. :)

4) I feel like CARP when I eat the stuff I like to stuff into my face when I'm not making healthy choices. Physically - I feel horrible, emotionally - well, that's the worst, the downward spiral of addiction is right in there, mentally - how can I be mentally prepared for anything while in the throes of addiction??? Pains, strains and lack of mobility all come together to make me one very unhappy person.

5) I have to put MY HEALTH before everything else. EVERYTHING. That goes for: the stress of daily living, choosing to enjoy that chocolate cheesecake because it tastes so darned good NOW, taking on too much or doing too much when what I really need to do is rest.

6) And this one was a BIG reminder this past weekend: I need to FEEL my feelings. I am an emotional creature. Always have been. I have to FEEL my way through life in order to find my way. I keep trying to keep that part of me under wraps to maintain a socially acceptable version of me that I've somehow managed to create in all it's distorted vision. I laugh loud and hardy, I cry and am moved to tears by any deeply felt emotion, even laughter! I'm a BIG personality and I'm coming to grips with that and realizing that it's OK to be ME and all that that entails. Funny thing happens when I feel my feelings: I can see clearly to solutions, I can move beyond them and into logic (sort of) and the best part? I am free of all that bottled up guck that keeps me from being true to who I am, turning me into some stoic version of who I think I SHOULD be. I'm learning lately, that all the bad things I think of me are not held by others. I am always surprised at how highly others think of me, being a victim of my own version of "if you really knew me..." I'm sure many of you know how that game is played.

So I had a REALLY good cry this weekend. (After attempting to blog and trying other distractions.) I let it all hang out. Mostly because, everytime I tried to put it back where I stuff it away, it would leak out again. I had been holding it in to the point I had no choice but to deal with it all or go bonkers.

Afterwards, I found it so easy to stay on plan, to exercise, to BE with my husband and share my thoughts and feelings. I remembered who I am, and I realized that I am ok right here, right now.

And you know what happened? I lost 4 lbs in one day. One day. I know, it won't always be that way, but it was a clear signal to me that I am doing the right thing again. I'm taking care of me. As long as I do that, I can do anything!

Thanks for reading!
See you next week.


Winderdoodle said...

Wow. Great post. It must have been so tough to write. This journey is really hard. It sucks sometimes but although admitting where we're at is hard, it's the perfect place to start! And, it's truly inspiring to those of us that are along the same path. Stay strong, stay focused, and you'll be successful. Today, you're inspiring me. :)