Struggling

So I've really hit the wall. BIG TIME. However, I'm still not giving up.
I was outta control these past few weeks, completely and utterly, and it was all emotional eating. Sometimes disguised as boredom eating or even stress eating, but generally it has been emotional.

Why? Well, that took some soul searching to figure out...but the result was: I felt and still feel powerless in so many aspects of my life right now. The only thing I really felt I had any power over was what I stuffed into my face...and so, of course, I was choosing to shovel things I haven't and the new me wouldn't...just to "show them" I can do whatever I want.

How ridiculous is that?

Of course I can, pretty much, do whatever I want! Why the heck am I choosing something that's hurting me??? That's when the gong sounded in my head. "Stop Hurting Me!"
Seems, whenever I feel hurt or powerless, the first thing I do is internalize it and mask the pain by hurting myself in some other way. Of course, this is disguised as something that indicates I have power over something again and the paradox continues, until I hear the gong.

So it rang loud and clear...I wallowed in the powerlessness of it all for a few more days and then I went shopping at the grocery store and started working the program again. First order of business, PLAN AHEAD. So I bought Frozen Veggies, cans of soup and frozen meals, healthy foods to have at work to keep me on track.
I'm also working on staying on track when I get home at night, and the cold weather has made me lazy so we're going for bicycle rides this weekend and hopping back on for riding to work and back next week.

I'm only 32 pounds away from goal...all the mental stuff that goes with that is just overwhelming sometimes.

But there has been a paradigm shift for me through all of this...and I may be repeating myself...but I look in the mirror now and I see a woman who's still fat...not some hottie who's lost 120 pounds and is full of her new found sexiness. LOL! And I'm noticing my clothes don't fit so well, some not at all. :*( And yet, I'm still not actually MOTIVATED to fix the problem!

What I've decided is this: I'm taking a break from the plan. Not a full on, return to my terrible eating habits, dump all the great progress I've made and get out the fat pants kind of break. This a break from beating myself up for not being at my goal already. I've come to realize that I need a physical: to allow my body to adjust to the new "set point" of my current weight so that I can shake it up again in a month. Mental: to regroup and find my motivation to continue on the plan and work through the tools for living and understand this powerlessness and the eating it triggers. Emotional: To allow myself some time to grieve a loss in the family and come to terms with the feelings of failure that have crept in, in spite of all the progress. Spiritual: to get back in tune with the essence of why I'm doing all of this.

I've come a long way, I've got a way to go, but I'm definitely growing and getting better. My goal is to get to my final goal weight by my Birthday. A year later than I originally anticipated, but this is a journey...and one doesn't always reach one's destination as planned.

For now, I'll learn to maintain the loss I've accomplished so far, and prepare to jump back on the plan in March.

When I first started this Blog entry, over a week ago, I hadn't yet figured out that I am in fact, absolutely powerless. And I'm coming to terms with that and realizing that that is absolutely OK. I will never have complete power over anything in my life, that is just illusion. I have no control or power over life at all. I can only do what I can to express my nature and continue to steer myself in the direction I wish to go. Whatever life puts in front of me, I'll deal with. Appreciating every moment for whatever it brings...and always looking for the silver lining and growth that comes with the "hard" times.

My husband's brother-in-law died unexpectedly Sunday the first of February. Lance was a character and a good man. I'll miss him. His passing is what brought me to the realization that we can only do the best we can, we have no power, we have no control over what comes our way. We can work toward things and hope they come to fruition, but there are no guarantees, and one day, it can all be taken away from you. Better make the most of it while you're here. Share your love openly with the folks around you. Make up with friends and family you might not see eye to eye with or at least come to terms with the real reasons you choose to keep your distance. Get real with yourself and be real with the ones you love. You'll make the world a better place for your being here. Lance did. He made Guitars and loved his family. My sister-in-law and nieces and nephew are doing ok. I'm a wreck, but I am a deep feeler. I don't tip-toe into my emotions, I dive in and feel 'em fully and then move on. So, I'm feeling the loss in my own way...feeling broken hearted for the family Lance leaves behind and working my way through the idea that, from now on, Lance lives in our memories.

Call a loved one...do it right now... and have a great week.