Friday, May 30, 2008

.8, Guess I'm going to crawl to the finish line. :D

And that is ok, just to get there is good enough...

I am now tipping the scale at 179.4! That's a number I ain't seen in a very long time...

Been a busy/rough week but the light at the end of the tunnel begins when I leave work today. From there it's off to NYC!

My goal for NYC is to keep on losing weight. YES I will enjoy a treat or two while I am there, but I also expect to be walking ALL OVER that fine city and I will come back showing a loss of weight. Of that, I have no doubt. I also plan to use the gym facilities and pools if they are available. (I've packed workout gear and a bathing suit. :D)

This week has been rough...and I learned I wasn't correctly calculating a couple of the foods I eat regularly...which helps explain the slow crawl to the finish I need to start with fresh eyes on the program as if I'm a newbie and not 18 months into it.

My son basically quit his job here at my work this week, via Text message...though he still isn't quite ready to accept that responsibility and also a few others. I have to keep reminding myself that the lessons are HIS to learn and I just need to let him go far enough to learn them. I've been REALLY guilty of trying to cushion his falls and hope he'll learn. The truth is, he isn't learning...and how many of us learn the cushy way? I sure didn't. So I shed a few tears for the waste that it is that we, as humans, HAVE to learn things the hard way...and the loss of having my son near me at work every weekday. We're good, I love him to pieces, but it's time to really let him fly...go son go! You're going to be fine. I gave you the best tools for your toolbox, I have no doubt you're going to be successful in the face of life's challenges.

I just wish I didn't hurt so much...gotta work harder on the whole "ego" and "attachment" thing. It's such an adjustment for me...for so many years, it was Sam and me...the level of communication and understanding we have...well, another single mom would understand it I think. It's subliminal at times.
I'm enjoying the fact that I get to live my life for me now...but for so many years, my life revolved around him...I'm not at a loss for what I'll do's just that he won't be such an integral part of it all. That's the adjustment and the attachment that is painful to let go of I think. It's a mix of emotions actually; there's pain, sadness, anger, relief, happiness, trepidation and confidence. And that's all about ME...because, deep down...I know he'll be ok. Whatever life throws at him, short of taking him from this world (and I'm not going to think too long on that one), he's got the tools and the brain to handle. I know he does, I raised him and I see evidence that he learned it everytime we talk. Now my job is only to help him pick himself up, dust himself off and continue on his journey when he's done all he can and needs a little help. No more rescuing him from the bumps of life. Bumps are good, the tougher the better.

I thought I let go when he moved out...but truly, working with me only prolonged the letting go and grieving process for me. So, I'm going to go on vacation tonight and breathe, enjoy time with my man and some friends, and continue to find out who I am beyond "Sam's Mom".

Pics from NYC when we get back. And yes, I'll find a place to weigh in next week while we're there!

Have a wonderful week!