Struggling

So I've really hit the wall. BIG TIME. However, I'm still not giving up.
I was outta control these past few weeks, completely and utterly, and it was all emotional eating. Sometimes disguised as boredom eating or even stress eating, but generally it has been emotional.

Why? Well, that took some soul searching to figure out...but the result was: I felt and still feel powerless in so many aspects of my life right now. The only thing I really felt I had any power over was what I stuffed into my face...and so, of course, I was choosing to shovel things I haven't and the new me wouldn't...just to "show them" I can do whatever I want.

How ridiculous is that?

Of course I can, pretty much, do whatever I want! Why the heck am I choosing something that's hurting me??? That's when the gong sounded in my head. "Stop Hurting Me!"
Seems, whenever I feel hurt or powerless, the first thing I do is internalize it and mask the pain by hurting myself in some other way. Of course, this is disguised as something that indicates I have power over something again and the paradox continues, until I hear the gong.

So it rang loud and clear...I wallowed in the powerlessness of it all for a few more days and then I went shopping at the grocery store and started working the program again. First order of business, PLAN AHEAD. So I bought Frozen Veggies, cans of soup and frozen meals, healthy foods to have at work to keep me on track.
I'm also working on staying on track when I get home at night, and the cold weather has made me lazy so we're going for bicycle rides this weekend and hopping back on for riding to work and back next week.

I'm only 32 pounds away from goal...all the mental stuff that goes with that is just overwhelming sometimes.

But there has been a paradigm shift for me through all of this...and I may be repeating myself...but I look in the mirror now and I see a woman who's still fat...not some hottie who's lost 120 pounds and is full of her new found sexiness. LOL! And I'm noticing my clothes don't fit so well, some not at all. :*( And yet, I'm still not actually MOTIVATED to fix the problem!

What I've decided is this: I'm taking a break from the plan. Not a full on, return to my terrible eating habits, dump all the great progress I've made and get out the fat pants kind of break. This a break from beating myself up for not being at my goal already. I've come to realize that I need a physical: to allow my body to adjust to the new "set point" of my current weight so that I can shake it up again in a month. Mental: to regroup and find my motivation to continue on the plan and work through the tools for living and understand this powerlessness and the eating it triggers. Emotional: To allow myself some time to grieve a loss in the family and come to terms with the feelings of failure that have crept in, in spite of all the progress. Spiritual: to get back in tune with the essence of why I'm doing all of this.

I've come a long way, I've got a way to go, but I'm definitely growing and getting better. My goal is to get to my final goal weight by my Birthday. A year later than I originally anticipated, but this is a journey...and one doesn't always reach one's destination as planned.

For now, I'll learn to maintain the loss I've accomplished so far, and prepare to jump back on the plan in March.

When I first started this Blog entry, over a week ago, I hadn't yet figured out that I am in fact, absolutely powerless. And I'm coming to terms with that and realizing that that is absolutely OK. I will never have complete power over anything in my life, that is just illusion. I have no control or power over life at all. I can only do what I can to express my nature and continue to steer myself in the direction I wish to go. Whatever life puts in front of me, I'll deal with. Appreciating every moment for whatever it brings...and always looking for the silver lining and growth that comes with the "hard" times.

My husband's brother-in-law died unexpectedly Sunday the first of February. Lance was a character and a good man. I'll miss him. His passing is what brought me to the realization that we can only do the best we can, we have no power, we have no control over what comes our way. We can work toward things and hope they come to fruition, but there are no guarantees, and one day, it can all be taken away from you. Better make the most of it while you're here. Share your love openly with the folks around you. Make up with friends and family you might not see eye to eye with or at least come to terms with the real reasons you choose to keep your distance. Get real with yourself and be real with the ones you love. You'll make the world a better place for your being here. Lance did. He made Guitars and loved his family. My sister-in-law and nieces and nephew are doing ok. I'm a wreck, but I am a deep feeler. I don't tip-toe into my emotions, I dive in and feel 'em fully and then move on. So, I'm feeling the loss in my own way...feeling broken hearted for the family Lance leaves behind and working my way through the idea that, from now on, Lance lives in our memories.

Call a loved one...do it right now... and have a great week.

Down 4.4...only 32 to go

Total to lose is 32, according to my Ticker...but according to the latest goals set at the WW meeting, I need to lose 5% of my New Year Weigh in, which was 183.5 I think...so my current goal is 9.2 pounds or so...that means current goal weight is: 174 pounds. I weighed in at 183.9 this week, so I'm actually UP from the beginning of the year by .4 or so.
Kinda sad, considering I was down to 168.8 not too very long ago...
But it's all a learning experience and this week has proven to be a new challenge in dealing with stress and emotion. Ahhh life. :D

Pluses for the week so far: I rode my bike to and from work Monday thru Thursday only driving on Friday. My WW week goes from Wed to Tuesday...so I've got 2 good days of exercise under my belt. It's Sunday, January 18th as I post this and we spent the day out on the motorcycle yesterday. Just explored the hills of Malibu and then up the coast. It was hard to believe we were in the middle of winter here. 86 degrees in Santa Barbara. Just a gorgeous sunny day. But I digress...I get some activity points for the motorcycle ride, though not as many as if I'd been the actual DRIVER of the bike.

Today I plan to work some and then get out on my bike for a bit. Have to go in to the office and see what is happening with the SD card I put in my pc so I could get some photos off of it for the front desk person to enter some data for me this coming work week. So I guess I'll be riding my bicycle to the office on a non workday...is a good thing...since I'll be driving in tomorrow, leaving early and then driving up to San Francisco tomorrow afternoon.

Which leads to the stress and emotion....

NEXT Monday, my 20 year old son begins Art school up in the city of San Francisco. I'm excited for him and also concerned, and dealing with the feelings that come with knowing he'll be pretty far away. I know it's not like he'll be in another state...but the times of texting, "hey let's have dinner together tonight" are going to be behind us for a while. The convenience of seeing him at the drop of a hat, walking on the beach or whatever...are going to be gone for awhile. There's positive in that though...HE'LL have to learn to plan ahead to make time for our visits.

He'll be up there in the big city in a mostly safe environment, and a part of me is also envious that he is off to enjoy that experience. I'm just a ball of twisted feelings at the moment...and I'm sure there will be tears as I drive away from San Francisco, leaving him behind to begin his big adventure. So I'm taking the husband and the dog with me. :D Someone else may need to do the driving for a little while. :D

I'm eating more as I try to deal with all the emotions flying by...so I'm moving more in hopes of counteracting most of the damage. Part of this whole trek of weight loss is learning how to manage my weight and learn to have other outlets besides STUFFING ONE'S FACE...and now's a good time for a long conversation with a close girlfriend.

HEY! I'll have some good girlfriend time next weekend so that will help A LOT! Of course it involves another drive up to the Bay Area so I'll have to find a way to get some exercise in too. Forecast says rain...so I better take my raincoat...haven't walked in the rain for a while...maybe I'll do that.

Agenda for the week ahead: Get work to the point I don't have to stress too much about it while up in San Francisco, Load up the son's belongings and head up to get him moved in to the dorm, Explore the area for job ideas and check out the dorm and such. Enjoy a nice dinner in the city somewhere, take him back to the dorm and head to my hotel, enjoy an evening with husband and dog, drive home Wednesday and enjoy the ride and the sites...I am taking vacation days for this so I might as well get some relaxation in there while I"m at it. If we get home in time, go to weigh in and take the hit. If we don't, then I'll have to hit a meeting Thursday. If I tell myself I'll skip it, that's asking for trouble. So I ain't going to skip it and I hope the walking around San Francisco Tuesday afternoon will help a bit. :D
Long car rides can be detrimental to weight loss. :(

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...and know that he's got the tools in his toolbox to get him through the rough stuff. That bird's gotta fly, and if I did my job right...he'll soar.

My ride to work

This is my ride to work. I rode my bike in this morning. These pictures are from October I think...but the ride this morning was quite similar. Click on any of the pictures to get to the full stream on Flickr. Have a great day!

Thank goodness it's a New Year

I hope this post finds you all looking forward to the new year without too much trepidation. I'm excited to see what our new president will do when he finally has the power to make some changes. I hope you're all looking forward to making some changes of your own. As for me, I get to start over. My goodness the holidaze were hard. As you can see by my ticker above. :(

So, what did I learn from this experience...

• I must always track what I'm eating, (even when I'm breaking the rules of the game - at least THEN I am aware of what I am doing and might stop sooner.)
• This gain took over 2 months. That's 10 pounds a month, about the same rate I am losing weight...that's a HUGE success over prior losses/gains. In the past, gains have been more than double the speed of the losses. So I've made some positive changes here. (Like not wearing any stretchy pants - EVER!)
• I have to, have to, have to stay hydrated to the max. The more water I drink, the less room I have for food. I'm less comfy in my non-stretchy pants and hunger isn't happening. (I have known for quite some time that thirst sometimes masks itself as hunger.)
• I have to exercise. Haven't been on the bike for a while now. Gotta get some warm cozy bike riding gear so there aren't any more excuses.

I'm tracking, I'm drinking, I'm making better choices and back on track. It was fun to forget about the plan for a while and the other positive thing that's come of this is that I am finally over thinking I've made it. Let me explain:

I have lost so much weight, I see photographs of myself and I think, wow, I look pretty great these days. (Got a little full of myself and my new found Hotness. LOL) And while I KNEW I hadn't yet made my goal, my brain was pretty happy with where I was. Hence, I was STUCK.

This gain and has made me aware that I ain't there yet. :) I've got work to do and my brain has adjusted to seeing my body as it IS rather than as it should be...and that's a healthy adjustment.

I'm still stuffing myself into the clothes I started wearing back in November when I was at 168, so I'm spilling over and out at times, but I refuse ABSOLUTELY AND COMPLETELY to wear clothing up a size. I put me here, I need constant reminding that I need to head the other way.

This is how people at healthy weights do it, they wear their clothes and their clothes tell them when it's time to cut back or increase their intake a bit. I've spent a lifetime ignoring that...no more.

Say it with me now... NO STRETCHY PANTS!!!!

and Happy New Year everyone!