Well, it's been a few weeks since I've blogged...busy and yet not. Just preoccupied I guess.
Weight is rather stuck, it could be I've finally hit a plateau, though I've never hit one in all of my dieting life...so I think not. I was at 213.8 the last two weeks and tonight I'm up .8 to tip the scale at 214.6 which, after Thanksgiving and a visit to my sister's in Vegas, I'm doing OK.
I am entering that time of the year that has been hard and depressing for the last 18 years. *sigh*
The holidays are all about spending time with family and loved ones and I do spend time with loved ones...but my family fell apart 18 years ago when my mother passed away. I've never really been able to grab the holiday mood since.
I remember when I didn't really realize why I was feeling funky, then I looked at the calendar and saw it was December 19th and it all came back to me. I had a good cry and was able to make sure my kids had a happy Christmas so it wasn't horrible.
This year, I see it coming...compounded by how cold it's getting and how it gets so dark so early...I just want to crawl into my bed and drink chai with rum until I pass out.
But tonight, at the meeting, I made a plan. A "Winning Outcome" to work toward thru this holiday season. Well, it's a few things really, they are:
**Maintain my current weightloss thru the holidays (if I can lose some great! if not, I will NOT Gain)
**Log EVERYTHING I eat, BEFORE I put it in my face, regardless. If I eat more calories than I should, at least I'll be conscious of it.
**Park Far Away from my destinations
**As my son said this weekend: "Count happy stuff." In other words, find things to be grateful for.
**Surf the forums for some support during this depressing time.
I also hit the store today and bought some 100 calorie packs of sweet treats to reach for when the other Holiday fare hits the office. I'll have something yummy to eat instead of the rich foods and chocolates...but I'll still enjoy some of that stuff sometimes. It IS the holidays and those things only happen this time of year. Besides, trying to avoid it ALL is only going to lead to my feeling deprived...and that's a formula for falling off the wagon big time.
Someone else came up with a great idea that I'll use these next few weeks. I'll allow myself the treats on Friday. (or some day of the week...I think Friday or Thursday is good.) Then it will be ME CHOOSING to wait, not saying no, absolutely not.
I'm just going to do my best to appreciate the joy of the season...even if I look for it on the faces of other people...I'll enjoy spending Christmas with Jef's family, they are a wonderful bunch of people and some of the healthiest folks I've ever met...not without their quirks, but everyone is open and comfortable just being who they are. There isn't the uncontrollable laughter that happened when my family would gather, but I'll trade in some laughter for being around them.
I miss my mom. I miss her love, her guidance and being able to pick up the phone and call her to share news or just tell her I love her.
I miss my family. Until I'm around them and I become the crazed little girl who is driven to be accepted, liked and approved of by them all. It's crazy, they don't accept themselves so they'll never be able to accept me. I get that. I really do. I understand where it comes from and I don't blame anyone. I love them all in all their ways and quirks and accept them for who they are. I just can't seem to find a way to stop my own insanity when I'm around them. There's work to do there, and maybe I'll blog more in the future and work that out. For now, I miss them, I wish them all the Happiest of Holidays, a wonderful 2008 filled with good times and good health.
So, this could be the trend for the next few weeks...but I think I'll use this blog to track the things I am grateful for and see if that helps.
Have a Happy!