Monday, May 17, 2010

Turning Stones in the Path

Today some folks at work are argumentative. eh. One of them - like me - always wants their pov to be right so we bounce around a lot, and there's always this residual "ickness" that continues afterward within myself for quite some time. Today, I finally put my finger on it. Unfortunately, not until after I ate something even though I wasn't hungry, and now, though I am not stuffed, it sits in my gut like a rock.

What I discovered today after stuffing my face...I haven't mastered the idea of "inquiry" but I did think it over and talk outloud (I guess that means I had "the voice" chatting at me)...and found that the frustration I feel is about not being able to adequately express my pov IN THE MOMENT. I always regret not being able to say what I mean when I'm having the discussion. I get a bit caught up in the argument and the physical response (fight or flight) and lose my ability to think clearly. Then, I end up having the conversation with myself for WEEKS afterward trying to make my point. 

I am not yet sure what the corrective action is for this behavior, I just know I want to change it. I want to clearly state my point in the moment, not let my emotions get the best of me, not worry about what the other person will think of me and say my piece to be open for discussion.
I realize, in some cases, it isn't going to matter much whether I have any pov on some subjects, but if I'm invited into a discussion, I want to have my head about me so that my stomach won't take over afterwards.

There is also "the voice" to contend with in the minutes/hours/days/weeks ahead (sometimes I revisit the episode YEARS The voice telling me I am stupid. It tells me that I am unworthy of having an opinion if I cannot adequately express WHY I have it in the first place. The voice beats me up about this one quite I'm going to start dealing with that first off. 

Choosing to be Mindful is hard work, but seeing this clearly for the first worth it!


Blasé said...

I couldn't have said it better myself!