Turning Stones in the Path

Today some folks at work are argumentative. eh. One of them - like me - always wants their pov to be right so we bounce around a lot, and there's always this residual "ickness" that continues afterward within myself for quite some time. Today, I finally put my finger on it. Unfortunately, not until after I ate something even though I wasn't hungry, and now, though I am not stuffed, it sits in my gut like a rock.

What I discovered today after stuffing my face...I haven't mastered the idea of "inquiry" but I did think it over and talk outloud (I guess that means I had "the voice" chatting at me)...and found that the frustration I feel is about not being able to adequately express my pov IN THE MOMENT. I always regret not being able to say what I mean when I'm having the discussion. I get a bit caught up in the argument and the physical response (fight or flight) and lose my ability to think clearly. Then, I end up having the conversation with myself for WEEKS afterward trying to make my point. 

I am not yet sure what the corrective action is for this behavior, I just know I want to change it. I want to clearly state my point in the moment, not let my emotions get the best of me, not worry about what the other person will think of me and say my piece to be open for discussion.

I realize, in some cases, it isn't going to matter much whether I have any pov on some subjects, but if I'm invited into a discussion, I want to have my head about me so that my stomach won't take over afterwards.

There is also "the voice" to contend with in the minutes/hours/days/weeks ahead (sometimes I revisit the episode YEARS later...wtf???) The voice telling me I am stupid. It tells me that I am unworthy of having an opinion if I cannot adequately express WHY I have it in the first place. The voice beats me up about this one quite often...so I'm going to start dealing with that first off. 

Choosing to be Mindful is hard work, but seeing this clearly for the first time...so worth it!

A Whole New Path

While recovering from knee surgery, I took the time to read a ton of books. Some fiction series follow ups that I love and a few books of the "self-help" genre. A friend told me about a book she was reading so I checked out the prologue on Amazon.com and knew I needed to read it. Why? I've been dieting and beating myself up for most of my life and so I could relate to this book. 

I'm sharing this now because I was moved (as many of you were) by Andrea's Post over at Black nail polish and lip gloss and have been wanting to share this book with the world since I got so much out of it. I know that not everyone will, but when I find a gem like this, I usually end up telling everyone I know to CHECK IT OUT CUZ IT'S THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD!!! Yeah, that's me...and that's ok. :)

It took me the whole week to read the book not because it is a big book, but because I kept having to set it down to think, absorb, cry, thrash, get angry and, finally, accept. I realized that I had, once again, forgotten who I am and gone back to believing what other people's stories told me I am. I also came to realize that I was trying to fill my non-stuff compiling life up with stuff again to counter the difficult financial times the husband and I have been facing. I mean, if I have all this nail polish, then we aren't struggling so bad, right??? RIGHT???

What I learned mostly was to be present again. Be passionate about life and most of all, remember that I am beautiful just as I am right now, and now and now. 

First thing I did was to cancel my Weight Watchers membership. Yep, I've had great success and some backsliding with that plan but, I learned so much there and because of the time I spent learning their "Tools for Success" I was ready to hear the message in this book.  

I'm done dieting. I'm done telling myself I don't measure up to someone else's idea of what is beautiful. I'm also done eating absently and not enjoying every minute, including the minutes I spend feeding this glorious body I've been blessed with to walk on this beautiful planet I get to call "home."  

And when I hear that little nagging voice, the one that tells me I am not enough, I don't have enough, I'll never BE enough...I will, as soon as I realize I am buying it's bs, tell it to shut the hell up!  It has been a little over a week. ONE WEEK and without counting calories, points, or carbs, without weighing and measuring, without denying myself what my body wants, I'm getting healthier. I've lost 9 pounds. NINE. Just by being present when I eat. I share that because, as the author, Geneen Roth says, "It's not about the weight and yet, it's not NOT about the weight" For some of us, healthier means losing weight, for others, it means gaining or maintaining while nourishing our bodies. For me, it means some weight needs to leave my body...and I will never, EVER diet again. I'm free. I'm back to being me and I'm going to enjoy each moment, even the hard ones, even the tears. I'm here! I'm alive! And that is a very cool thing.

What is this book? If you clicked the Amazon link above, you already know, but if you didn't, the book is 

Women, Food and God: An unexpected path to almost everything.

Two years - 60 lbs

I am up 60 pounds from my lowest weight on this blog. I found the one thing that can derail me and I've not yet found the way to deal with it in a healthier way. Suggestions are welcome for future bouts with this derailer.

Chronic Physical Pain took me DOWN for the count. I can handle emotional challenges like nobody's business, but physical pain that grew worse over time with no relief in site...that did me in. I was reaching for the comfort foods all over again.

I am happy with the fact that in two years I've managed to only pack on 60 pounds instead of all of it and then some. Each time I go down this path, I learn more and gain some but not all of it back and more, as I used to in my younger days.

I'm not happy that I am not at my goal and enjoying lifetime status at Weight Watchers. I am back to blogging, lose or gain because it helped. Motrin helps and the upcoming knee surgery and some physical therapy will help too. Weight loss will help as I know...though I almost punched the doctor who told me that losing weight would help my back and knee. DUDE, I was 60 lbs lighter before all this PAIN started...help me outta pain and I can do this. Duh, sometimes...I just kick someone.

I don't expect to be full on back on the wagon til after surgery, but will blog here as it helps me clarify what I'm doing and what I'm learning and keeps me honest.

Thank you all for stickin' with me. I'm going to get there before I hit 50! (I've got a little over a year to do so, and therefore, I know I can.)

So, once again...join me on my trek as I continue to learn what my obstacles are and learn to overcome them.

RANT about healthcare and Kaiser Permanente in particular.

This has been sitting in my drafts, but I thought I'd go ahead with the post...now that I'm on the road to recovery and have gained a boatload of weight back...the light at the end of the tunnel...TWO years later...is close. I hope to be back on track by end of April...after knee surgery.

I'm in pain and I'm tired so this will be highly emotional. Bear with me and hopefully this will reach the realm of the people in charge of healthcare reform.

When I was a young woman, about 21 or so, I don't remember now exactly but I know I was at least 21 or so, I was out riding a bicycle that was a bit too tall for me with my friend DeeDee (aka Deanna) in the San Francisco Bay Area at a park known as Coyote Hills. I bumped in to my brother's best friend who, at the time, I was dating...or so I thought...and he was there with another young woman. Upon finding this, in my pride and shame, I rode the too tall bike off in a huff and braved a hill I shouldn't have...not a big hill, just too big for my emotions and physical stamina at that time. This hill led out of the camping area and to the bike trail toward home. A place I really wanted to be in, to have a good cry, be where my mommy was and generally wallow for a bit.

Instead, I took on this hill with not enough push and the bike began to fall over...I put my left leg down to stop the fall. When my foot hit the ground, I heard and felt a loud "Pop!" and immediately knew I had blown my knee. Why did I know this? My brother, Chris, who was 4 years older than I, had done a similar thing whilst playing high school basketball. We were close at the time and he shared the details of the day with me...including the sound and feel of that "Pop!". So I KNEW.

Adding insult to injury...the new girl was my ride home. I am grateful she did that for me and over the injury...so long ago. The real story starts NOW.

Off to Kaiser Permanente I went. You know: the people who want you to live long and thrive. Back in the 80's they didn't care so much...and I was too young and hadn't been taught to be my own advocate in the world of medicine where the doctors are only PRACTICING medicine as there are new findings every MINUTE.

So, months go by...Kaiser doesn't do an MRI on my knee, they feed me bullshit about how it's just a "stretched tendon" and how "it happens all the time in girls, especially cheerleaders" of which I was never one. The years pass, and I deal with injury after injury to the same knee, stupid things really: walking! wrestling with my (now ex) husband, hopping over a fence in Idaho...each time I am back at Kaiser Permanente only to be told the same bullshit as before and handed a new brace to wear.

Yes, they did an examination. This involved the doctor trying to force my knee to bend in ways I am unwilling to allow as it's just UNNATURAL and it's been years now since the original injury and I've developed some serious muscle to keep it from bending that way unless there is some serious stress on the joint.

So...2002 or so and I'm living in a new town, still on Kaiser Permanente insurance even though it means I have to travel 45 minutes to get care. I injure the left knee at work...can't even walk on it. After the fiasco of dealing with the incompetent doctor at the clinic for occupational injury...I decide to go to my own doctor (Kaiser) who, upon finally getting me under anesthesia finds she can "bend my knee every which way from Sunday" as she tells me upon my reawakening. The "second opinion" insisted upon by the worker's comp insurance says: "if the ACL (anterior cruciate ligament http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premature_atrial_contraction) is in need of repair and you're going in to repair a "bucket handle" tear of the miniscus, then by all means, repair the ACL too."

So, the orthopedic surgeon finds that, it's been so long since the left knee has HAD and ACL that there isn't even any remnants of one...they use a cadaver ACL, some screws and fashion me a new ACL...and, oh-by-the-way, that bucket handle tear needs removing and now you only have half the cushioning on the inside of your left knee than you had before...

I am know almost 50 years old. I suffer many repetitive issues with my left hip and my sacrum going of synch because of this. I deal with pain, recovery, weight loss set backs, depression, anger and frustration because Kaiser Permanente didn't care if I lived long and thrived back then. All they cared about was that MRI's were expensive and they didn't want to spend that kind of money on a young woman who might just have a stretched ACL. I wasn't taught to be my own advocate for health. I wasn't taught that doctors are only PRACTICING medicine and don't LIVE in MY BODY so they, therefore, have no clue what is going on...that I have to be consistent and insistent on getting the care I believe I need to be healthy. I knew back then that they were wrong...but I let them do what they did, I lived with NO ACL for over 20 years. Thanks Kaiser Permanente. I live long and thrive now with hip and back pain that recurs at least annually. Requiring trips to the chiropractor and massages and constant stretching.

Had you kept your promise to care for me, and to educate me to care for myself, I would have had my ACL repaired when I was in my early 20's and might have escaped the secondary and tertiary injuries to the left knee joint as well as so many years of left hip and back pain due to the atrophy of muscles in my left leg.

If I come across as bitter, it is because I sit here, yet again, with back pain an unable to MOVE as I'd like to and therefore gaining weight and adding to my frustration. But wait! There's more!

I took my son to your doctors when he was a wee small boy...maybe 4 or 5?...he was having intermittent chest pain...and though the doctor took it seriously and did what he could...it wasn't until YEARS later and new insurance that we took him to emergency and they caught on their heart monitor that he was having PACS http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premature_atrial_contraction induced by stress and manageable.

Thanks Kaiser Permanente, we live long and thrive in spite of your lack of care.

I'm bitter tonight. Humor me. This is all true. I'm in pain and angry...again.

I know this seems "off topic" for my blog, but it's not. If I can't move properly, exercise is a serious challenge. If I am in pain, everything else is a serious challenge. I'm working on regaining my focus. This week, I am focusing on drinking two of my 1.5 liter bottles of water a day. So far, since committing on Thursday, I am only up to one full bottle per day...and it's been a slow built up to that over the past few days. But progress is progress and it COUNTS dammit!!

I miss riding my bike, walking without pain, SITTING and SLEEPING without pain (or drugs to numb the pain!!!) I want my health back and Dammit Kaiser Permanente, you owe me!

I can't go back, but YOU can educate the young people coming to you, you can encourage them to be their own advocates, to ask questions and demand the care they know they need.

Health care reform? how about just health care in general...

enough ranting. I'm going to sleep.

Vegan / Vegetarian lessons.

Weighed in last Wednesday night at .6 lbs less than two weeks prior. I had a big UP from heading to the Bay Area for a big event. I was enlightened there too.

Did you know that Vegan or Vegetarian food can be JUST as fattening - if not more so - than "regular" food? Well, let me tell you... IT IS! I ate less than most people there, I ran around the mansion like a crazed woman, I worked and worked and worked. I skipped the group hike and hung out at the mansion and ran up and down stairs, cleaned the kitchen MANY times and basically ended up pretty sore at the end of the weekend. At no point was I ever "stuffed," though I will admit there was some dessert enjoyed. I gained 6 pounds in a weekend!!!

Well it's all gone plus .6 as of last weigh-in so that's behind me, but I couldn't bring myself to go to the meeting between the gain and the week it took to get it off plus .6 Argh.

Success is actually quick, but I slowed myself down with that weekend away. Which brings me to the next challenge: High School Reunion!

That's right, we're heading up to the San Francisco Bay Area once again this coming weekend. There will be food, fun, dancing and socializing.

There will also be a nice visit with a life-long friend who will just happen to be in town at the same time so we'll be doing something together. I suggested a walk around Lake Elizabeth in Fremont's "Central Park" but breakfast was mentioned too, so maybe we will do both.

Either way, there will be 10 to 12 hour spent in a vehicle and that's a lot of sitting on one's butt happening! Why don't hotel rooms have DVD players??? I could bring my workout DVDs with me and get a few 10 min butt kickin' workouts done and over. That's not a bad idea...either I bring my own player or memorize the moves and do it myself...Could be fun walking around the town I did most of my growing up in too! So I've got plans on how to avoid the weekend up swing, including drinking 12-16 8 ounce glasses of water! Prepare for many roadside stops husband of mine. :) It's the only way!

I weigh in again tomorrow night, and will report more promptly and add more to what's happening and such then.

Have a great week!

Epiphanys and remembering the journey

It's been a long time since I've written anything here. I went a little numb and refused to face the facts I've learned along the way. In the process, I've put on 40 pounds. (I was thinking it was 50, did the math 4 times to be sure...so I'm suddenly not as sad as I was a few moments ago! Silly silly silly. But see, I can deal with that a lot better and already I'm more encouraged to do things about it.

I've struggled with blogging, and found that twice I've tried to blog about being stuck and what I've learned, and didn't finish them...there they sit in my "draft posts" waiting for attention. This is yet another attempt, and so far, it's taken me 3 days to get this far.

What have I learned in these months of silence and numbness, you ask? Well, let me tell you!

1) Goals are not what we're taught they are. Goals are the target we shoot for, and they are flexible and maliable. The beauty of a Goal is that is gets you pointed in the right direction, BUT if you make them too rigid, you may be setting yourself up for failure. Think about your past goals, the ones you didn't quite make...how did you feel about missing that boat? How many did you push out a bit to give you room to still attain the goal and how many got left behind, given up on and forgotten?

2) I am an addict. I knew this one, but had to relearn it, again. I will always need to go to my weight watchers meetings and I will always need to track what I eat. I will always need to use the tools for living as they have proven, time and time again, that when I use them, they WORK. I believe that is the main reason I chose this plan, once I do reach my goal weight I am a lifetime member. Free support as long as I maintain, that's pretty darned awesome.

3) The title of my blog was my biggest epiphany of late: JOURNEY to the thinner me. I keep setting the wrong kind of goals and forgetting that this is a JOURNEY. Hence, I'll be doing this for a while. Most likely, the rest of my life. I will stop pressuring myself and get back to enjoying the journey. :)

4) I feel like CARP when I eat the stuff I like to stuff into my face when I'm not making healthy choices. Physically - I feel horrible, emotionally - well, that's the worst, the downward spiral of addiction is right in there, mentally - how can I be mentally prepared for anything while in the throes of addiction??? Pains, strains and lack of mobility all come together to make me one very unhappy person.

5) I have to put MY HEALTH before everything else. EVERYTHING. That goes for: the stress of daily living, choosing to enjoy that chocolate cheesecake because it tastes so darned good NOW, taking on too much or doing too much when what I really need to do is rest.

6) And this one was a BIG reminder this past weekend: I need to FEEL my feelings. I am an emotional creature. Always have been. I have to FEEL my way through life in order to find my way. I keep trying to keep that part of me under wraps to maintain a socially acceptable version of me that I've somehow managed to create in all it's distorted vision. I laugh loud and hardy, I cry and am moved to tears by any deeply felt emotion, even laughter! I'm a BIG personality and I'm coming to grips with that and realizing that it's OK to be ME and all that that entails. Funny thing happens when I feel my feelings: I can see clearly to solutions, I can move beyond them and into logic (sort of) and the best part? I am free of all that bottled up guck that keeps me from being true to who I am, turning me into some stoic version of who I think I SHOULD be. I'm learning lately, that all the bad things I think of me are not held by others. I am always surprised at how highly others think of me, being a victim of my own version of "if you really knew me..." I'm sure many of you know how that game is played.

So I had a REALLY good cry this weekend. (After attempting to blog and trying other distractions.) I let it all hang out. Mostly because, everytime I tried to put it back where I stuff it away, it would leak out again. I had been holding it in to the point I had no choice but to deal with it all or go bonkers.

Afterwards, I found it so easy to stay on plan, to exercise, to BE with my husband and share my thoughts and feelings. I remembered who I am, and I realized that I am ok right here, right now.

And you know what happened? I lost 4 lbs in one day. One day. I know, it won't always be that way, but it was a clear signal to me that I am doing the right thing again. I'm taking care of me. As long as I do that, I can do anything!

Thanks for reading!
See you next week.

April Fools and Showers

April Fool's day was weigh in day and I am down 5 lbs. That's 9 pounds since getting back on the bus three weeks ago and doing the right things to get myself into health.

Yay! Feels good to be back in control, while around me, life tosses challenge after challenge. I can deal with what life tosses me, sometimes eat too much because of it, but generally, if I do HEALTHY things to deal with stress, I come out ahead. What a concept!

I'm still up from my lowest weight, but that's ok, I'm focused on reaching my goal of 155 lbs by my birthday this year. That's July 1, 2009 and that gives me 3 full months to lose the weight. 34 lbs to go and at 10 lbs a month I think I can get there, especially if I increase my activity going into Spring and Summer.

I'll be heading up to San Francisco on the 15th of April to visit with my son who's in art school up there, and there will be LOTS of walking. I've made arrangements for a refrigerator and a microwave in my room so I can have store bought food and avoid too many restaurant visits while I'm there. I've found some great walking tours to take and I think a walk across the Golden Gate will be in order. I've not done that in a VERY long time, don't think I've been in good enough shape to do that for a VERY long time, so it will be fun and maybe I'll toss a flower in the water in remembrance of my mother, who's ashes were scattered in the ocean just outside the Golden Gate. (I wonder if that's legal?...guess I'll find out when I am there.) Basically, what I am saying is I have a plan in place to keep me sensible while I am there, and of course a little room for enjoying some of the things that are San Francisco: Sour Dough Bread! Ghirardelli Chocolate! Crab! Is there any other food San Francisco is known for? Eh, not important, those are the ones I care about. :)

And then, there shall be bike riding, and LOTS of it! That is because I am retiring my 1983 Toyota Cressida, bless her chassis, and will be car-less for a while. So it's bus and walks or riding the bike for a bit. On rainy days, I'll drive the jeep or ride the bus. The state will give me $1000.00 for retiring the beast and that's what I paid for her, so I'm grateful to have put in some money to have her driveable for 3 1/2 years and turn her in for what I paid. Not a bad deal at all. My next car will be a new or at least a newer Toyota I think. They've certainly proved their worth to me! 1983??? She was quite a looker in her day, sun roof, electric windows and doors, full on climate control, large trunk, 6 cylinder kick ass engine with 5 speed manual transmission. Alas, her engine is failing and her smog controls work no more. The state will pay me to take her off the road, and I've sent in my application today...so it's just a matter of time. I have to admit, I'll miss driving that little car, she had some get up and go and it was fun to surprise people with that. :D

Have a great week!