Day 3 of Cycle 3 - so much good stuff going on.

Just finished watching the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" and was reminded to be mindful. All the things I learned from reading "Women, Food and God" came back to remind me to enjoy the entire meal, from prep to eating.

I made a creation for dinner tonight, made poor man's spaghetti sauce but it was damn flavorful and delicious. I didn't have all the vegetables my mother would have used, but I did a good job filling in with what I do have and it. was. amazing.

All the things I've been reading, learning and incorporating into my life are helping to create a much more peaceful space, one where I can stop and smell the roses. One with less guilt, less stress and whole lot more love, happiness and smiles. It's good to be me again.



I'm down from 277 to 249 as of this morning...28 pounds in 37 days. Not bad! Not starving AT ALL, feel GREAT and the best part? My blood pressure is healthy again. No meds!

Currently, my short term goal is to be close to 230 by the end of May. I want to be able to walk around Seattle and enjoy the city a bit without knee or hip or back pain. I want to be unconcerned about how I fit into the airplane seat. And I'm well on my way.

Only thing I've been lax about is exercise and when I do get out and move, I'm reminded of how out of shape I've let myself become again. How difficult it is to do things that were easy just a couple years ago. I also remember how I got to the point they were easy and so that has given me the motivation I need to keep going, once I start.

So the next few weeks will mean more moving. LOT'S more moving. Less computing, less facebooking...detaching from this box I'm typing on and getting into the world. I'll post about as often as I am, unless I have some huge AHA! moment to share.

Just know, if you're reading this and struggling with some addiction, whether it's food related, cigarettes, drugs or something else...recovery is a journey too. You'll fall down sometimes...but each time you fall is a chance to learn about yourself and what makes you tick. A chance to look inside and make changes where you want to, changes that don't come easy or go away in the blink of an eye. Changes that come with stumbling and grasping and choking and stomping...but the changes come...you can get healthy, whatever that means to you.

For me, it means being the best me I can be, whatever size I wear. As long as I'm healthy (which I am not at the moment) the rest will take care of itself.

Turning Stones in the Path

Today some folks at work are argumentative. eh. One of them - like me - always wants their pov to be right so we bounce around a lot, and there's always this residual "ickness" that continues afterward within myself for quite some time. Today, I finally put my finger on it. Unfortunately, not until after I ate something even though I wasn't hungry, and now, though I am not stuffed, it sits in my gut like a rock.

What I discovered today after stuffing my face...I haven't mastered the idea of "inquiry" but I did think it over and talk outloud (I guess that means I had "the voice" chatting at me)...and found that the frustration I feel is about not being able to adequately express my pov IN THE MOMENT. I always regret not being able to say what I mean when I'm having the discussion. I get a bit caught up in the argument and the physical response (fight or flight) and lose my ability to think clearly. Then, I end up having the conversation with myself for WEEKS afterward trying to make my point. 

I am not yet sure what the corrective action is for this behavior, I just know I want to change it. I want to clearly state my point in the moment, not let my emotions get the best of me, not worry about what the other person will think of me and say my piece to be open for discussion.

I realize, in some cases, it isn't going to matter much whether I have any pov on some subjects, but if I'm invited into a discussion, I want to have my head about me so that my stomach won't take over afterwards.

There is also "the voice" to contend with in the minutes/hours/days/weeks ahead (sometimes I revisit the episode YEARS later...wtf???) The voice telling me I am stupid. It tells me that I am unworthy of having an opinion if I cannot adequately express WHY I have it in the first place. The voice beats me up about this one quite often...so I'm going to start dealing with that first off. 

Choosing to be Mindful is hard work, but seeing this clearly for the first time...so worth it!