RANT about healthcare and Kaiser Permanente in particular.

This has been sitting in my drafts, but I thought I'd go ahead with the post...now that I'm on the road to recovery and have gained a boatload of weight back...the light at the end of the tunnel...TWO years later...is close. I hope to be back on track by end of April...after knee surgery.

I'm in pain and I'm tired so this will be highly emotional. Bear with me and hopefully this will reach the realm of the people in charge of healthcare reform.

When I was a young woman, about 21 or so, I don't remember now exactly but I know I was at least 21 or so, I was out riding a bicycle that was a bit too tall for me with my friend DeeDee (aka Deanna) in the San Francisco Bay Area at a park known as Coyote Hills. I bumped in to my brother's best friend who, at the time, I was dating...or so I thought...and he was there with another young woman. Upon finding this, in my pride and shame, I rode the too tall bike off in a huff and braved a hill I shouldn't have...not a big hill, just too big for my emotions and physical stamina at that time. This hill led out of the camping area and to the bike trail toward home. A place I really wanted to be in, to have a good cry, be where my mommy was and generally wallow for a bit.

Instead, I took on this hill with not enough push and the bike began to fall over...I put my left leg down to stop the fall. When my foot hit the ground, I heard and felt a loud "Pop!" and immediately knew I had blown my knee. Why did I know this? My brother, Chris, who was 4 years older than I, had done a similar thing whilst playing high school basketball. We were close at the time and he shared the details of the day with me...including the sound and feel of that "Pop!". So I KNEW.

Adding insult to injury...the new girl was my ride home. I am grateful she did that for me and over the injury...so long ago. The real story starts NOW.

Off to Kaiser Permanente I went. You know: the people who want you to live long and thrive. Back in the 80's they didn't care so much...and I was too young and hadn't been taught to be my own advocate in the world of medicine where the doctors are only PRACTICING medicine as there are new findings every MINUTE.

So, months go by...Kaiser doesn't do an MRI on my knee, they feed me bullshit about how it's just a "stretched tendon" and how "it happens all the time in girls, especially cheerleaders" of which I was never one. The years pass, and I deal with injury after injury to the same knee, stupid things really: walking! wrestling with my (now ex) husband, hopping over a fence in Idaho...each time I am back at Kaiser Permanente only to be told the same bullshit as before and handed a new brace to wear.

Yes, they did an examination. This involved the doctor trying to force my knee to bend in ways I am unwilling to allow as it's just UNNATURAL and it's been years now since the original injury and I've developed some serious muscle to keep it from bending that way unless there is some serious stress on the joint.

So...2002 or so and I'm living in a new town, still on Kaiser Permanente insurance even though it means I have to travel 45 minutes to get care. I injure the left knee at work...can't even walk on it. After the fiasco of dealing with the incompetent doctor at the clinic for occupational injury...I decide to go to my own doctor (Kaiser) who, upon finally getting me under anesthesia finds she can "bend my knee every which way from Sunday" as she tells me upon my reawakening. The "second opinion" insisted upon by the worker's comp insurance says: "if the ACL (anterior cruciate ligament http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premature_atrial_contraction) is in need of repair and you're going in to repair a "bucket handle" tear of the miniscus, then by all means, repair the ACL too."

So, the orthopedic surgeon finds that, it's been so long since the left knee has HAD and ACL that there isn't even any remnants of one...they use a cadaver ACL, some screws and fashion me a new ACL...and, oh-by-the-way, that bucket handle tear needs removing and now you only have half the cushioning on the inside of your left knee than you had before...

I am know almost 50 years old. I suffer many repetitive issues with my left hip and my sacrum going of synch because of this. I deal with pain, recovery, weight loss set backs, depression, anger and frustration because Kaiser Permanente didn't care if I lived long and thrived back then. All they cared about was that MRI's were expensive and they didn't want to spend that kind of money on a young woman who might just have a stretched ACL. I wasn't taught to be my own advocate for health. I wasn't taught that doctors are only PRACTICING medicine and don't LIVE in MY BODY so they, therefore, have no clue what is going on...that I have to be consistent and insistent on getting the care I believe I need to be healthy. I knew back then that they were wrong...but I let them do what they did, I lived with NO ACL for over 20 years. Thanks Kaiser Permanente. I live long and thrive now with hip and back pain that recurs at least annually. Requiring trips to the chiropractor and massages and constant stretching.

Had you kept your promise to care for me, and to educate me to care for myself, I would have had my ACL repaired when I was in my early 20's and might have escaped the secondary and tertiary injuries to the left knee joint as well as so many years of left hip and back pain due to the atrophy of muscles in my left leg.

If I come across as bitter, it is because I sit here, yet again, with back pain an unable to MOVE as I'd like to and therefore gaining weight and adding to my frustration. But wait! There's more!

I took my son to your doctors when he was a wee small boy...maybe 4 or 5?...he was having intermittent chest pain...and though the doctor took it seriously and did what he could...it wasn't until YEARS later and new insurance that we took him to emergency and they caught on their heart monitor that he was having PACS http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premature_atrial_contraction induced by stress and manageable.

Thanks Kaiser Permanente, we live long and thrive in spite of your lack of care.

I'm bitter tonight. Humor me. This is all true. I'm in pain and angry...again.

I know this seems "off topic" for my blog, but it's not. If I can't move properly, exercise is a serious challenge. If I am in pain, everything else is a serious challenge. I'm working on regaining my focus. This week, I am focusing on drinking two of my 1.5 liter bottles of water a day. So far, since committing on Thursday, I am only up to one full bottle per day...and it's been a slow built up to that over the past few days. But progress is progress and it COUNTS dammit!!

I miss riding my bike, walking without pain, SITTING and SLEEPING without pain (or drugs to numb the pain!!!) I want my health back and Dammit Kaiser Permanente, you owe me!

I can't go back, but YOU can educate the young people coming to you, you can encourage them to be their own advocates, to ask questions and demand the care they know they need.

Health care reform? how about just health care in general...

enough ranting. I'm going to sleep.

Vegan / Vegetarian lessons.

Weighed in last Wednesday night at .6 lbs less than two weeks prior. I had a big UP from heading to the Bay Area for a big event. I was enlightened there too.

Did you know that Vegan or Vegetarian food can be JUST as fattening - if not more so - than "regular" food? Well, let me tell you... IT IS! I ate less than most people there, I ran around the mansion like a crazed woman, I worked and worked and worked. I skipped the group hike and hung out at the mansion and ran up and down stairs, cleaned the kitchen MANY times and basically ended up pretty sore at the end of the weekend. At no point was I ever "stuffed," though I will admit there was some dessert enjoyed. I gained 6 pounds in a weekend!!!

Well it's all gone plus .6 as of last weigh-in so that's behind me, but I couldn't bring myself to go to the meeting between the gain and the week it took to get it off plus .6 Argh.

Success is actually quick, but I slowed myself down with that weekend away. Which brings me to the next challenge: High School Reunion!

That's right, we're heading up to the San Francisco Bay Area once again this coming weekend. There will be food, fun, dancing and socializing.

There will also be a nice visit with a life-long friend who will just happen to be in town at the same time so we'll be doing something together. I suggested a walk around Lake Elizabeth in Fremont's "Central Park" but breakfast was mentioned too, so maybe we will do both.

Either way, there will be 10 to 12 hour spent in a vehicle and that's a lot of sitting on one's butt happening! Why don't hotel rooms have DVD players??? I could bring my workout DVDs with me and get a few 10 min butt kickin' workouts done and over. That's not a bad idea...either I bring my own player or memorize the moves and do it myself...Could be fun walking around the town I did most of my growing up in too! So I've got plans on how to avoid the weekend up swing, including drinking 12-16 8 ounce glasses of water! Prepare for many roadside stops husband of mine. :) It's the only way!

I weigh in again tomorrow night, and will report more promptly and add more to what's happening and such then.

Have a great week!

Epiphanys and remembering the journey

It's been a long time since I've written anything here. I went a little numb and refused to face the facts I've learned along the way. In the process, I've put on 40 pounds. (I was thinking it was 50, did the math 4 times to be sure...so I'm suddenly not as sad as I was a few moments ago! Silly silly silly. But see, I can deal with that a lot better and already I'm more encouraged to do things about it.

I've struggled with blogging, and found that twice I've tried to blog about being stuck and what I've learned, and didn't finish them...there they sit in my "draft posts" waiting for attention. This is yet another attempt, and so far, it's taken me 3 days to get this far.

What have I learned in these months of silence and numbness, you ask? Well, let me tell you!

1) Goals are not what we're taught they are. Goals are the target we shoot for, and they are flexible and maliable. The beauty of a Goal is that is gets you pointed in the right direction, BUT if you make them too rigid, you may be setting yourself up for failure. Think about your past goals, the ones you didn't quite make...how did you feel about missing that boat? How many did you push out a bit to give you room to still attain the goal and how many got left behind, given up on and forgotten?

2) I am an addict. I knew this one, but had to relearn it, again. I will always need to go to my weight watchers meetings and I will always need to track what I eat. I will always need to use the tools for living as they have proven, time and time again, that when I use them, they WORK. I believe that is the main reason I chose this plan, once I do reach my goal weight I am a lifetime member. Free support as long as I maintain, that's pretty darned awesome.

3) The title of my blog was my biggest epiphany of late: JOURNEY to the thinner me. I keep setting the wrong kind of goals and forgetting that this is a JOURNEY. Hence, I'll be doing this for a while. Most likely, the rest of my life. I will stop pressuring myself and get back to enjoying the journey. :)

4) I feel like CARP when I eat the stuff I like to stuff into my face when I'm not making healthy choices. Physically - I feel horrible, emotionally - well, that's the worst, the downward spiral of addiction is right in there, mentally - how can I be mentally prepared for anything while in the throes of addiction??? Pains, strains and lack of mobility all come together to make me one very unhappy person.

5) I have to put MY HEALTH before everything else. EVERYTHING. That goes for: the stress of daily living, choosing to enjoy that chocolate cheesecake because it tastes so darned good NOW, taking on too much or doing too much when what I really need to do is rest.

6) And this one was a BIG reminder this past weekend: I need to FEEL my feelings. I am an emotional creature. Always have been. I have to FEEL my way through life in order to find my way. I keep trying to keep that part of me under wraps to maintain a socially acceptable version of me that I've somehow managed to create in all it's distorted vision. I laugh loud and hardy, I cry and am moved to tears by any deeply felt emotion, even laughter! I'm a BIG personality and I'm coming to grips with that and realizing that it's OK to be ME and all that that entails. Funny thing happens when I feel my feelings: I can see clearly to solutions, I can move beyond them and into logic (sort of) and the best part? I am free of all that bottled up guck that keeps me from being true to who I am, turning me into some stoic version of who I think I SHOULD be. I'm learning lately, that all the bad things I think of me are not held by others. I am always surprised at how highly others think of me, being a victim of my own version of "if you really knew me..." I'm sure many of you know how that game is played.

So I had a REALLY good cry this weekend. (After attempting to blog and trying other distractions.) I let it all hang out. Mostly because, everytime I tried to put it back where I stuff it away, it would leak out again. I had been holding it in to the point I had no choice but to deal with it all or go bonkers.

Afterwards, I found it so easy to stay on plan, to exercise, to BE with my husband and share my thoughts and feelings. I remembered who I am, and I realized that I am ok right here, right now.

And you know what happened? I lost 4 lbs in one day. One day. I know, it won't always be that way, but it was a clear signal to me that I am doing the right thing again. I'm taking care of me. As long as I do that, I can do anything!

Thanks for reading!
See you next week.

April Fools and Showers

April Fool's day was weigh in day and I am down 5 lbs. That's 9 pounds since getting back on the bus three weeks ago and doing the right things to get myself into health.

Yay! Feels good to be back in control, while around me, life tosses challenge after challenge. I can deal with what life tosses me, sometimes eat too much because of it, but generally, if I do HEALTHY things to deal with stress, I come out ahead. What a concept!

I'm still up from my lowest weight, but that's ok, I'm focused on reaching my goal of 155 lbs by my birthday this year. That's July 1, 2009 and that gives me 3 full months to lose the weight. 34 lbs to go and at 10 lbs a month I think I can get there, especially if I increase my activity going into Spring and Summer.

I'll be heading up to San Francisco on the 15th of April to visit with my son who's in art school up there, and there will be LOTS of walking. I've made arrangements for a refrigerator and a microwave in my room so I can have store bought food and avoid too many restaurant visits while I'm there. I've found some great walking tours to take and I think a walk across the Golden Gate will be in order. I've not done that in a VERY long time, don't think I've been in good enough shape to do that for a VERY long time, so it will be fun and maybe I'll toss a flower in the water in remembrance of my mother, who's ashes were scattered in the ocean just outside the Golden Gate. (I wonder if that's legal?...guess I'll find out when I am there.) Basically, what I am saying is I have a plan in place to keep me sensible while I am there, and of course a little room for enjoying some of the things that are San Francisco: Sour Dough Bread! Ghirardelli Chocolate! Crab! Is there any other food San Francisco is known for? Eh, not important, those are the ones I care about. :)

And then, there shall be bike riding, and LOTS of it! That is because I am retiring my 1983 Toyota Cressida, bless her chassis, and will be car-less for a while. So it's bus and walks or riding the bike for a bit. On rainy days, I'll drive the jeep or ride the bus. The state will give me $1000.00 for retiring the beast and that's what I paid for her, so I'm grateful to have put in some money to have her driveable for 3 1/2 years and turn her in for what I paid. Not a bad deal at all. My next car will be a new or at least a newer Toyota I think. They've certainly proved their worth to me! 1983??? She was quite a looker in her day, sun roof, electric windows and doors, full on climate control, large trunk, 6 cylinder kick ass engine with 5 speed manual transmission. Alas, her engine is failing and her smog controls work no more. The state will pay me to take her off the road, and I've sent in my application today...so it's just a matter of time. I have to admit, I'll miss driving that little car, she had some get up and go and it was fun to surprise people with that. :D

Have a great week!

Time Marches on...

And I'm not doing what I need to be doing. :( And if I don't get on the wagon NOW, I won't make it to my birthday deadline yet AGAIN.

I can't believe I'm letting this happen. I am not powerless, I'm just being lazy and stupid...and passive-aggressive. And yet another thing learnt about ME, and shared with my wonderful Hubby. I realized I am worried that if I get to my goal weight while he's still a big man, I will find myself getting resentful and angry with him...kind of like the wait for our marriage. :/ I got a lil cranky after a while. :/

So, while I realize this is my demon to deal with, it's still something to talk with him about and share thoughts on and hopefully inspire him to do what he needs to do to get healthy too, and I'm NOT just talking about weight here...do internal work and fix the reasons you DON'T do what you need to do to take care of yourself...we're not spring chickens anymore, my Love. (He reads my posts by RSS feed so that's directly to him. *smooch*)

Now that this little demon is in my awareness, I've been able to really be back on track. Afterall, who was losing with that silly behavior? I've been doing a lot of research on passive-aggression and how to stop behaving that way...did you know that there isn't a whole lot of material on that subject? But there sure is a ton of it available for all you poor souls out there that have to deal with us. (sorry!) I have found a few good websites with some little blurbs on how to begin...maybe that will be my next blog...or something this one will morph into. Afterall, it's still part of my journey. :D

I weighed in last night (March 18, 2009) at 195.4 which is a 2.6 pound loss for the week. I didn't do much and really wasn't ON program until yesterday, but I've been 'getting there' so-to-speak. As of yesterday, I am there. I rode my bike to work and to the weigh-in...I didn't stay for the meeting though, it was a BEAUTIFUL evening and so I took the long ride home. (7 miles) and enjoyed moving rather than sitting more. :D I rode my bike in to work again today and will take the long way home tonight again. And I'll do that all over again tomorrow, but I am hoping to get an earlier start so that I can ride in to work and enjoy that view of the beach.

Thank you to my anonymous posters, one being my sister, for reminding me to be kind to myself as I trek along. Setbacks are a part of everything in life and so being reminded to be kind to self is always a good thing. Remember to be kind to YOURSELF today. Smile, think of things for which you are grateful.

I'm grateful that I've paid attention to my clothes this time. I will not shop for clothes again until the ones I have are fitting comfortably or hanging off my body. :D

Have a great week!

Figuring it out...one day at a time.

I'm back on the plan, and even rode my bike a couple times this past week.

Tracking everything I eat and making sure I get the 8 healthy guidelines in each day...well at least 6 of them usually. :)

And so far...I'm down 10 pounds according to my home scale...of course I was up a bit and not going to meetings to weigh-in. :(

So, that's the next step to getting back on plan: show up for meetings. And starting next week, I will be there. :D Seriously...I should go tonight, but I need to show up with a loss after being gone for so long...for my own emotional health...yeah yeah, wimpy, I know. But I know how I am and to keep this ball rolling, I need to show a loss. Silly me. Plus, I made plans for this evening forgetting that I had weigh-in tonight. Turns out I couldn't go anyway. I hurt my back while sitting in my chair at work and ended up going home early and laying down for the night.

Anyhaoooo, I've figured out a few more things this past week. One of them so obvious to me, it's kind of funny that I have to "discover" it again. In telling myself "I am FAT" everyday a few times a day, I behaved like the fat person I used to be. Stuffing my face with whatever and not really even enjoying it, some of it was downright NOT WORTH the calories either, tasteless C R A P if you really must know. I've rewritten that tape loop once again to something more in the direction I am heading, "All I eat turns to health and beauty"...kind of hard to choose that 16 point Reese's Peanut butter bar when I KNOW that's not going to turn to health OR beauty! :D

I'm still hurting a bit from the back pain, and comfort foods are calling my name, so I'm having to work with that a bit, still a bit of a struggle from time to time, but I'm definitely back on track and the best thing is, I'm still learning new stuff!!

Have a great week.

Struggling

So I've really hit the wall. BIG TIME. However, I'm still not giving up.
I was outta control these past few weeks, completely and utterly, and it was all emotional eating. Sometimes disguised as boredom eating or even stress eating, but generally it has been emotional.

Why? Well, that took some soul searching to figure out...but the result was: I felt and still feel powerless in so many aspects of my life right now. The only thing I really felt I had any power over was what I stuffed into my face...and so, of course, I was choosing to shovel things I haven't and the new me wouldn't...just to "show them" I can do whatever I want.

How ridiculous is that?

Of course I can, pretty much, do whatever I want! Why the heck am I choosing something that's hurting me??? That's when the gong sounded in my head. "Stop Hurting Me!"
Seems, whenever I feel hurt or powerless, the first thing I do is internalize it and mask the pain by hurting myself in some other way. Of course, this is disguised as something that indicates I have power over something again and the paradox continues, until I hear the gong.

So it rang loud and clear...I wallowed in the powerlessness of it all for a few more days and then I went shopping at the grocery store and started working the program again. First order of business, PLAN AHEAD. So I bought Frozen Veggies, cans of soup and frozen meals, healthy foods to have at work to keep me on track.
I'm also working on staying on track when I get home at night, and the cold weather has made me lazy so we're going for bicycle rides this weekend and hopping back on for riding to work and back next week.

I'm only 32 pounds away from goal...all the mental stuff that goes with that is just overwhelming sometimes.

But there has been a paradigm shift for me through all of this...and I may be repeating myself...but I look in the mirror now and I see a woman who's still fat...not some hottie who's lost 120 pounds and is full of her new found sexiness. LOL! And I'm noticing my clothes don't fit so well, some not at all. :*( And yet, I'm still not actually MOTIVATED to fix the problem!

What I've decided is this: I'm taking a break from the plan. Not a full on, return to my terrible eating habits, dump all the great progress I've made and get out the fat pants kind of break. This a break from beating myself up for not being at my goal already. I've come to realize that I need a physical: to allow my body to adjust to the new "set point" of my current weight so that I can shake it up again in a month. Mental: to regroup and find my motivation to continue on the plan and work through the tools for living and understand this powerlessness and the eating it triggers. Emotional: To allow myself some time to grieve a loss in the family and come to terms with the feelings of failure that have crept in, in spite of all the progress. Spiritual: to get back in tune with the essence of why I'm doing all of this.

I've come a long way, I've got a way to go, but I'm definitely growing and getting better. My goal is to get to my final goal weight by my Birthday. A year later than I originally anticipated, but this is a journey...and one doesn't always reach one's destination as planned.

For now, I'll learn to maintain the loss I've accomplished so far, and prepare to jump back on the plan in March.

When I first started this Blog entry, over a week ago, I hadn't yet figured out that I am in fact, absolutely powerless. And I'm coming to terms with that and realizing that that is absolutely OK. I will never have complete power over anything in my life, that is just illusion. I have no control or power over life at all. I can only do what I can to express my nature and continue to steer myself in the direction I wish to go. Whatever life puts in front of me, I'll deal with. Appreciating every moment for whatever it brings...and always looking for the silver lining and growth that comes with the "hard" times.

My husband's brother-in-law died unexpectedly Sunday the first of February. Lance was a character and a good man. I'll miss him. His passing is what brought me to the realization that we can only do the best we can, we have no power, we have no control over what comes our way. We can work toward things and hope they come to fruition, but there are no guarantees, and one day, it can all be taken away from you. Better make the most of it while you're here. Share your love openly with the folks around you. Make up with friends and family you might not see eye to eye with or at least come to terms with the real reasons you choose to keep your distance. Get real with yourself and be real with the ones you love. You'll make the world a better place for your being here. Lance did. He made Guitars and loved his family. My sister-in-law and nieces and nephew are doing ok. I'm a wreck, but I am a deep feeler. I don't tip-toe into my emotions, I dive in and feel 'em fully and then move on. So, I'm feeling the loss in my own way...feeling broken hearted for the family Lance leaves behind and working my way through the idea that, from now on, Lance lives in our memories.

Call a loved one...do it right now... and have a great week.