Day 3 of Cycle 3 - so much good stuff going on.

Just finished watching the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" and was reminded to be mindful. All the things I learned from reading "Women, Food and God" came back to remind me to enjoy the entire meal, from prep to eating.

I made a creation for dinner tonight, made poor man's spaghetti sauce but it was damn flavorful and delicious. I didn't have all the vegetables my mother would have used, but I did a good job filling in with what I do have and it. was. amazing.

All the things I've been reading, learning and incorporating into my life are helping to create a much more peaceful space, one where I can stop and smell the roses. One with less guilt, less stress and whole lot more love, happiness and smiles. It's good to be me again.



I'm down from 277 to 249 as of this morning...28 pounds in 37 days. Not bad! Not starving AT ALL, feel GREAT and the best part? My blood pressure is healthy again. No meds!

Currently, my short term goal is to be close to 230 by the end of May. I want to be able to walk around Seattle and enjoy the city a bit without knee or hip or back pain. I want to be unconcerned about how I fit into the airplane seat. And I'm well on my way.

Only thing I've been lax about is exercise and when I do get out and move, I'm reminded of how out of shape I've let myself become again. How difficult it is to do things that were easy just a couple years ago. I also remember how I got to the point they were easy and so that has given me the motivation I need to keep going, once I start.

So the next few weeks will mean more moving. LOT'S more moving. Less computing, less facebooking...detaching from this box I'm typing on and getting into the world. I'll post about as often as I am, unless I have some huge AHA! moment to share.

Just know, if you're reading this and struggling with some addiction, whether it's food related, cigarettes, drugs or something else...recovery is a journey too. You'll fall down sometimes...but each time you fall is a chance to learn about yourself and what makes you tick. A chance to look inside and make changes where you want to, changes that don't come easy or go away in the blink of an eye. Changes that come with stumbling and grasping and choking and stomping...but the changes come...you can get healthy, whatever that means to you.

For me, it means being the best me I can be, whatever size I wear. As long as I'm healthy (which I am not at the moment) the rest will take care of itself.

New day, new plan (Day 3)

A few weeks ago, while flipping channels for some background noise while I polished my fingernails, I came across Dr. Phil talking to some ladies in his audience about an eating plan that he and the show "The Doctors" are hyping. The audience members had lost quite a bit of weight and were singing the praises of the plan so I did some research.

I found it is a modified Atkins-type plan that changes a few things up every 17 days. "This could be the plan I can get my hubby on board with!" I thought. So I bought the book on Amazon for less than $13 and it arrived a couple days later. I skimmed it for the basics, made a shopping list and this past Saturday, we began this new way of eating.

Day three, and though I find my car wants to turn into the old haunts, my body steers me down the same bad aisles of the grocery store, I am not hungry or feeling deprived or anything. Of course, that may have a lot to do with my mindset. I'm back on the determination wagon. I feel pretty good, though a little tired today, mostly from lack of enough sleep last night, but generally good! Hydration is such a good thing. I forget that sometimes.

I'm hoping to be at least 20 lbs lighter by the time I go to Washington State to visit family and friends.
I don't have a working scale at the moment, (we need a battery for it) but I'm guessing I tilt the handle at a whopping 268 or so... 100lbs up from almost reaching my WW goal. I let a little shame get in my way...and could not get over it and get back to the meetings. My issue, I'll wear it and work on it.

Wish me and hubby luck as we travel this road together for a change. :)

I've recently come to the very strong conclusion that I have become 'closed off' from life. Shut down from the bad stuff and therefore unable to enjoy the good stuff...with so much pent up frustration and emotion that the tears are always threatening to break through in a deluge of salt water to shame the Red Sea.

Life coaching is helping though I keep losing focus and going down paths that won't really help me reach my goal...no fault of my coach, he keeps asking me what I want to work on...but somehow we've been ending up discussing my job and how I can make that better...unfortunately, his perspective is from the outside looking in and without the information I have from working there these past 6 years. It's not a bad place to work, but changes are happening that are completely outside of my control and so I do my best and ride the wave of change. 

However, since the life coaching thing is only focusing on one viewpoint of my life, and since I've recently enjoyed a talk over at one of our local Buddhist Temples in town, I've decided to take an 8 week course there called "Everyday Happiness, Happiness Everyday" and I think the timing is perfect.

Today, while surfing their site: http://meditationinsantabarbara.org/  I came across these videos.  The one on Stress spoke to me so I watched it and remembered how I used to be. So much awareness has escaped me in these last two years. I am sooooo stuck in anger and suffering. I am looking forward to remembering who I am in the weeks ahead.  Then maybe I will be fully ready to re-engage in this other Journey...but the Journey to the INNER me is taking precedence because the INNER me is in such turmoil that the Thinner me is just about unreachable.

For the next few weeks, I will share what I've gleaned from the classes ahead and hopefully find my way back to the path of the thinner, healthier me during this exploration. 

Introductory Videos

Some brief teachings given by Kadampa Teachers from across the United States on various topics:

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Time to begin....again

Hi everyone. I'm ready. Ready to begin again. I've allowed myself to gain back most, if not all, of the weight I lost here...and I don't know exactly because our scale needs a battery. How convenient.
Tomorrow night is Weight Watchers. I'm going. I'm sucking up my pride and shame and going to take care of me.

I thank a friend from years gone by for inspiring me to get back on the wagon. Thanks J.
You can find her blog here.

I've learned a ton of things about myself, my body and my mind these past couple years...and right now, I'm going to pick up "Women, Food and God" and give it another read.

Here we go....Pictures and weight in the next post. We'll post up once a week after weigh-in.

Turning Stones in the Path

Today some folks at work are argumentative. eh. One of them - like me - always wants their pov to be right so we bounce around a lot, and there's always this residual "ickness" that continues afterward within myself for quite some time. Today, I finally put my finger on it. Unfortunately, not until after I ate something even though I wasn't hungry, and now, though I am not stuffed, it sits in my gut like a rock.

What I discovered today after stuffing my face...I haven't mastered the idea of "inquiry" but I did think it over and talk outloud (I guess that means I had "the voice" chatting at me)...and found that the frustration I feel is about not being able to adequately express my pov IN THE MOMENT. I always regret not being able to say what I mean when I'm having the discussion. I get a bit caught up in the argument and the physical response (fight or flight) and lose my ability to think clearly. Then, I end up having the conversation with myself for WEEKS afterward trying to make my point. 

I am not yet sure what the corrective action is for this behavior, I just know I want to change it. I want to clearly state my point in the moment, not let my emotions get the best of me, not worry about what the other person will think of me and say my piece to be open for discussion.

I realize, in some cases, it isn't going to matter much whether I have any pov on some subjects, but if I'm invited into a discussion, I want to have my head about me so that my stomach won't take over afterwards.

There is also "the voice" to contend with in the minutes/hours/days/weeks ahead (sometimes I revisit the episode YEARS later...wtf???) The voice telling me I am stupid. It tells me that I am unworthy of having an opinion if I cannot adequately express WHY I have it in the first place. The voice beats me up about this one quite often...so I'm going to start dealing with that first off. 

Choosing to be Mindful is hard work, but seeing this clearly for the first time...so worth it!

A Whole New Path

While recovering from knee surgery, I took the time to read a ton of books. Some fiction series follow ups that I love and a few books of the "self-help" genre. A friend told me about a book she was reading so I checked out the prologue on Amazon.com and knew I needed to read it. Why? I've been dieting and beating myself up for most of my life and so I could relate to this book. 

I'm sharing this now because I was moved (as many of you were) by Andrea's Post over at Black nail polish and lip gloss and have been wanting to share this book with the world since I got so much out of it. I know that not everyone will, but when I find a gem like this, I usually end up telling everyone I know to CHECK IT OUT CUZ IT'S THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD!!! Yeah, that's me...and that's ok. :)

It took me the whole week to read the book not because it is a big book, but because I kept having to set it down to think, absorb, cry, thrash, get angry and, finally, accept. I realized that I had, once again, forgotten who I am and gone back to believing what other people's stories told me I am. I also came to realize that I was trying to fill my non-stuff compiling life up with stuff again to counter the difficult financial times the husband and I have been facing. I mean, if I have all this nail polish, then we aren't struggling so bad, right??? RIGHT???

What I learned mostly was to be present again. Be passionate about life and most of all, remember that I am beautiful just as I am right now, and now and now. 

First thing I did was to cancel my Weight Watchers membership. Yep, I've had great success and some backsliding with that plan but, I learned so much there and because of the time I spent learning their "Tools for Success" I was ready to hear the message in this book.  

I'm done dieting. I'm done telling myself I don't measure up to someone else's idea of what is beautiful. I'm also done eating absently and not enjoying every minute, including the minutes I spend feeding this glorious body I've been blessed with to walk on this beautiful planet I get to call "home."  

And when I hear that little nagging voice, the one that tells me I am not enough, I don't have enough, I'll never BE enough...I will, as soon as I realize I am buying it's bs, tell it to shut the hell up!  It has been a little over a week. ONE WEEK and without counting calories, points, or carbs, without weighing and measuring, without denying myself what my body wants, I'm getting healthier. I've lost 9 pounds. NINE. Just by being present when I eat. I share that because, as the author, Geneen Roth says, "It's not about the weight and yet, it's not NOT about the weight" For some of us, healthier means losing weight, for others, it means gaining or maintaining while nourishing our bodies. For me, it means some weight needs to leave my body...and I will never, EVER diet again. I'm free. I'm back to being me and I'm going to enjoy each moment, even the hard ones, even the tears. I'm here! I'm alive! And that is a very cool thing.

What is this book? If you clicked the Amazon link above, you already know, but if you didn't, the book is 

Women, Food and God: An unexpected path to almost everything.

Two years - 60 lbs

I am up 60 pounds from my lowest weight on this blog. I found the one thing that can derail me and I've not yet found the way to deal with it in a healthier way. Suggestions are welcome for future bouts with this derailer.

Chronic Physical Pain took me DOWN for the count. I can handle emotional challenges like nobody's business, but physical pain that grew worse over time with no relief in site...that did me in. I was reaching for the comfort foods all over again.

I am happy with the fact that in two years I've managed to only pack on 60 pounds instead of all of it and then some. Each time I go down this path, I learn more and gain some but not all of it back and more, as I used to in my younger days.

I'm not happy that I am not at my goal and enjoying lifetime status at Weight Watchers. I am back to blogging, lose or gain because it helped. Motrin helps and the upcoming knee surgery and some physical therapy will help too. Weight loss will help as I know...though I almost punched the doctor who told me that losing weight would help my back and knee. DUDE, I was 60 lbs lighter before all this PAIN started...help me outta pain and I can do this. Duh, sometimes...I just kick someone.

I don't expect to be full on back on the wagon til after surgery, but will blog here as it helps me clarify what I'm doing and what I'm learning and keeps me honest.

Thank you all for stickin' with me. I'm going to get there before I hit 50! (I've got a little over a year to do so, and therefore, I know I can.)

So, once again...join me on my trek as I continue to learn what my obstacles are and learn to overcome them.